Sleep Learning

So you all probably want to know how Max's sleep learning is going. I have to say it has been a wonderful experience for me as I am learning so much about myself, Max, and parenting all together. I WISH I HAD READ THIS BOOK SOONER as it's about so much more than just sleeping!

My favorite paragraph in the book so far is this: "There are times in the course of your child's growth and development when he will be attempting to learn an important new skill and he'll feel some frustration in the process of that learning. Take crawling as an example. When children are on the brink of crawling, they often rock back and forth on their hands and knees, trying to get to a toy that's just out of reach. The baby cries and complains out of frustration. what's your first temptation? scoot the toy closer, or course, so he won't have to struggle. But what has he missed if you do this? an opportunity to feel a bit of frustration...which then leads to an idea:'well, maybe if I move my knee a little closer to my hand, I can reach my hand farther.' BINGO! Whether your child is learning to walk, tie a shoe, ride a bike, or do math homework, each time your child struggles, it's going to be tempting to jump in and rescue him. But when you do this, you are actually preventing him from learning for himself what he can do to alleviate his frustration - in other words, learning the skill that will help him grow and develop as a human being."

This was the first time I have ever formally started and followed something through in an attempt to improve anything in my parenting. I always thought I would rather take my chances that I may get to sleep all night or that it would be easier to just get him back to sleep and get what sleep I can get. I didn't realize how worth it it would be to buckle down for a few nights to help us both sleep better and be happier.

So here is how it went:

night one (Monday). Unfortunately this night got off to a bad start as I had to go out for a commitment at the preschool and I am always the one to put Max to bed. So making changes to this bedtime routine was going to be tough. However, Guy put Max into his bed awake, which he is usually OK with, but without mommy there, Max had a meltdown. He was inconsolable for about 40 minutes when he finally fell asleep. Max then got up at 1am. I went in after 5 minutes and checked in on him. of course, seeing me and me not picking him up as I usually do made him very angry. I then did my check in's every 10 minutes until he finally fell asleep 40 minutes later. At my second to last check in, I moved the fan from Anna's room into his for white noise. This may have worked :). I then set my alarm clock for 3am and went in to give him his bottle (5 ounces) but he refused it so I put him back to bed and didn't hear from him again until 7:30am. So to recap: one wake up, 40 minutes of self soothing with lots of tears, no night snack!

night two (Tuesday). Tonight I decided to move his bedtime routine to his room while Anna had special time with daddy in the basement. I read Max some stories, gave him his bottle, and talked to him about what we were going to do tonight. I then put him in his bed WIDE awake. He rolled over and took a few minutes (with no tears) to settle but he was eventually out like a light. I then didn't hear from him until 2:20am. He whined for about 30 minutes but because he wasn't really crying, I didn't check in on him because I know that would have really upset him. I actually even fell back asleep while he was still awake. My alarm then went off at 3am and while I was making his bottle I realized he was still awake. I went back to bed and waited for him to fall back asleep. When i was sure he was asleep I went in and gave him his bottle. He drank it (4 ounces) and went back to his bed until 7:30am. So to recap: one wake up, 40 minutes of self soothing with minimal tears and no check in's, one night snack!

night three (Wednesday). Bedtime routine was same as last night but I could tell he wasn't as happy. When i put him down he protested for about 5 minutes and then rolled over and went to sleep. I messed up tonight. I forgot to set my alarm clock for 3am for his bottle and he slept all the way through until 4am when he wanted it. Unfortunately in order to maintain consistency I had to wait until he fell back asleep before I could give it to him so as to not send him mixed messages. This seemed like forever but was actually only about 10 minutes. However, he was not fully asleep and woke when i entered his room. I gave him the bottle anyways and am desperately hoping I didn't ruin the progress we made so far. So to recap: no wake ups until 4am (bc I was silly and forgot to set my alarm), one night snack! Had I not forgot my alarm we would have had a perfect night on the routine.

night four (Thursday). Bedtime routine was same as last night. When put in his bed, Max protested for a minute or two but then quickly fell asleep. I set my alarm clock for 3am fed Max his 4oz bottle and then didn't hear from him again until 7:30. a perfect night for Max. Now if only Anna had not gotten up twice.

night five (Friday). bedtime routine same as night before with a small protest. I ended up waking up because of Anna and my stuffy nose and I heard that Max was awake. He never cried but I could hear him awake for a while. Max cried a but around 2:30 but quickly fell asleep. I set my alarm for 3am, fed him is 3oz bottle and we both went back to sleep.

I was hoping that I could now tell you that he sleeps through the night. end of story. Unfortunately Max is more complicated than that. He also woke up this morning with a cold and so far, as of 8:30pm tonight, has woken up crying 3 times. Therefore I assume tonight will be a giant step backwards.

But we'll see. Maybe he'll surprise me!

My A-Ha moment!

I have skimmed a few sleep training books since having Anna 3 years ago. I have read what I thought was important and I have taken advice from moms about what worked for them. Now on my second child, I have tried "training" him as I did with Anna. Nothing is working. I have never been in the no-cry camp and I admit that I let Anna Cry it Out (CIO) one night for hours but after trying the CIO approach with Max and it failing I decided that I was not in the CIO camp enough to let him do it over and over again. So I was stuck. I don't want him to cry but I don't want to get up multiple times a night giving in to his demands. I decided to invest my time and money on a book with good reviews.

Now I am aware that sleep "training" is controversial. Dr. Ferber is who he is because millions of people "Ferberize" their kids (a word that I hate because it sounds so institutional considering we are talking about small babies) and equally millions of people don't believe in allowing kids to cry at all for any reason. I sit in the middle. I think a certain amount of crying teaches kids to be tough, independent humans and I think parents can allow kids to cry on a certain level and actually be doing them some good. One thing about me as a person and a mom is I don't like being preached to by anyone who refuses to see the other side and who judges anyone for trying something that millions of people do. I think that all parents should try and do what works for them without being pressured or influences by anyone who strongly believes that their way is the right way.

So that being said, here is "my way" take it or leave it. but I think it sounds like a good balance and am trusting it will work.

Enter the SleepEasy Solution. I bought this book on my kindle last night and can't put it down. In fact it is ironic that I am reading a book to help us all sleep better and I read it until after 11pm last night. So far, this is the best investment I have made and I haven't even really implemented anything yet. But only 3 chapters in and I have had several A-Ha moments, as Oprah would say. What makes this book perfect for me is that it teaches a "Least Cry" method of sleep learning (not training, learning). It notes right off the bat that any change is going to involve frustration and upset on the child's part and that this comes with tears. However it does not promote the Scream it out method that, while usually effective, is somewhat traumatizing on a small child. (Hello, 2 pages in and I want to go smother Anna with hugs for putting her through that).

My first A-ha moment was that no 2 kids are alike, even if they are parented the same by the same people. Max and Anna couldn't be any different in terms of sleep. My husband and I could have a party in Anna's room and she would sleep through it while as soon as Max's door opens, he pops up and looks around.

My second A-ha moment was about falling asleep in one places/position and waking up in another. the example she used is if we fell asleep on the couch and woke up in bed, wouldn't that freak us out. I realized that while we had a consistent bedtime routine, Max was always falling asleep in my arms downstairs. This makes perfect sense to me as I reflected on Anna's naps. Daddy often would fall asleep with her (he likes his naps) but then leave half way through. Anna would then wake up screaming "My Daddy" because he was there when she fell asleep but not what she woke up. A-ha!!!! from tonight on, Max has his evening bottle in his room and will be staying awake until he is in is resting place for the night.

My next A-ha moment was about having distractions in the room/crib. The author talked about how babies will wake slightly and then should be able to fall back asleep (well, that's the goal anyways) but if there is anything that will knock them fully awake then problems arise. Max has 2 stuffed bears in his bed. They sit at the end by his feet yet when he wakes up at night, I usually find him head side down flailing the bears around. Maybe a distraction, maybe not, but those bears are sleeping on the floor tonight.

So far, my final A-ha moment was about feeding early in the morning. I always said that after 5 I would feed him. then that was after 4. and every night it got earlier and earlier. this theory made sense to me but seeing it in writing in a professional book was the kick in the pants I needed to start weaning Max off that feed.

So where do I go from here? tonight I start implementing what I have learned. When Max wakes and cries I will go in, not go too close and calmly tell him I am here, I love him and he needs to go to sleep. I will then leave. If in 5 minutes he is still crying I will go back and tell him again and leave. then 10 minutes I will go in if he is still crying and tell him again. Then I will wait 15 minutes... until he falls asleep. I will not simply close the door and abandon him. I will do this every time he wakes. Then I will set my alarm clock for 3 am and wake him up for a feed. I will feed him 5 ounces (last night he had 6). then put him back. I will then cut this feed down by an ounce every night until its all gone.

The only thing I implemented last night when he got up at 12pm and then again at 2am. I rocked him to sleep both times. At 2am, after I got him to sleep I put him down and went and made his bottle (it was 3am at this point) I then went back, gentle woke him, gave him the bottle and he slept till 7:30!! he hasn't done that in months! I did not give him the bottle as a result of the crying. I hope his little brain registered that :).

The key to this method is to be consistent and only respond to his wake up's with a calm reassurance that I love him but to not touch him or snuggle him and certainly not to feed him. Considering Max could be a poster child for the issues that created this book, I am hoping he will also be a poster child for the success of it. The book says it should take an average of 5 nights to achieve 12 hours of sleep and that the first night may be an hour of crying but that's it. Here's hoping! I will let you know how it plays out at the end of the week!

A Professional Parent?

As a teenager I always wanted to work with kids. I essentially grew up at summer camp and ended up working at one. This, I thought, was my calling. So in 1999, after high school I registered for the Child and Youth Worker diploma program in college. 5 semesters in to a 6 semester program and I was having doubts. I was struggling through a placement where I thought my supervisor was the biggest B**** I had ever met and I had developed a fear that if I spent all day with someone Else's kids I would not want to spend the rest of the time with my own. As we all know, Kids are exhausting! I decided that I would likely not take this career path but at least my three years of school and countless years of experience would make me a perfect, essentially professional, parent. If I could handle children and teenagers with ADD, Autism, FAS, and countless other mental health issues then surely I can handle perfectly normal, healthy babies, toddlers, preschoolers, children, turn teenagers, right? WRONG! I have learned that nothing prepares you for parenting your own offspring! and I am only at the beginning of the preschooler stage!

Everyone told me that the threes were so much worse than the twos. In hindsight, the twos weren't that bad for us but Anna definitely tested my limits and patience. I thought "phewf, I survived!" I had no idea the three's would be an even bigger test of my limits and patience! Yesterday, I sat in the playroom with a cup of tea and lots of tears. I had to cancel a haircut for Anna because while Max and I sat with out coats on at the door, Anna ran around the house in her underwear. This was just one of many "moments" during the day and only one of many "moments" when Anna has refused to go or come anywhere with me. She certainly is a stubborn woman. Hmmmm, I wonder where that comes from?


What brought me to tears yesterday was not her actions because I do know she is only three and just learning how to be her own independant self but rather my inability to deal with the situation without losing my temper. Generally I am good at remaining calm but lately I have been losing my mind with the fact that I cannot reason with a three year old. I am unproud to admit that I have raised my voice so loud she has cried. I have gotten so frustrated with being unable to just talk my way out of any episode with her. I have even stooped to the level of bribery but that, unfortunately, doesn't even work anymore. When It comes to getting out the door, either of our house, preschool, the store, or cheeky monkeys, I either have to play the "ok, I'll leave without you" card, or carry her kicking and screaming. I often feel the eyes burning through my head as I leave her alone in public (safely of course) or carry her screaming body, or yell at her sternly about her behaviour. These issues combined with Max's poor sleeping and my frustration towards him at night make me feel like a bad parent and especially a bad child and youth worker.

Yesterday I finally realized why this was all bothering me so much. I looked at it from the perspective that Dentists should have perfect teeth, Accountants should have perfect finances, Child and Youth Workers should have perfect kids. Then I was reminded that many accountants commit fraud and isn't it always the preachers kid that ends up drunk at a party?! And lets not forget the law-abiding law enforcement officers we hear about. lol.


So I start over. I stop seeing Max and Anna as "clients". I stop trying to fix all of Anna's preschooler behaviours. I stop trying to solve Max's sleep issues. I start going with the flow. I start seeing them as the perfectly normal, healthy children that they are. I start being the loving parent I know I am. I stop trying to be a perfect, professional parent and just be the best mom I can be to my wonderful kids!

3 years down!

Today is a special day! Today is the anniversary of the day my life changed. Today is Annabelle's 3rd birthday! I cannot believe my princess is 3.

Annabelle March, 2008!


Annabelle March, 2011


Yesterday morning I dropped Anna off at my parents house for a sleep over. This meant that I had 2 days by myself with Max. Now I know that having a baby is tough stuff but it is a holiday compared to having a preschooler. Yup I said it, Anna is officially a preschooler!Max and I went on a lunch date, I cleaned the inside of my car, I watched something on TV other than Dora or Ariel, I went to the mall with a child who sat quietly in a stroller. I kindof remembered what my life was like 3 years ago. And while I enjoyed the opportunity to complete some tasks without preschooler "help", I also realized that my life was boring without her.

So today on her 3rd birthday I look back on the past three years. I remember how Anna has changed from a helpless newborn who needed me to provide her every necessity of life to an amazingly vocal and independant three year old who goes to the bathroom by herself and gets her own snacks. A beautiful young girl who goes to preschool and has learned to colour a picture not just scribble on a page.

I have enjoyed watching Anna grow and learn. Helping her develop her skills is my greatest accomplishment. Today I remember her infant and toddler years and look ahead to the years to come.

Happy 3rd Birthday Annabelle! Mommy Loves you!

For the love of Kids.

Today I did something that 5 years ago I never thought I would ever have to do. I pulled poop out of my sons bum! Yup, its true, pulled his legs up to his chest, massaged his abdomen and slowly pulled a turd out of his bum. Why did I do this you may ask? Because He is my son, I love him, and he was uncomfortable. Even sadder is that this was not the first time I have ever done this. Last year my 2 year old, crawled in to her bed before bath (naked) and appeared as though she was going to sleep until I looked closer and what I thought was sleepy eyes was actually squinting, trying to poop eyes. I turned her over and saw a log that was at least the diameter of a loonie stuck in her bum. This was when i learned the art of massaging poop out of a bum. I had success and a very happy girl.

So why am I sharing all this information? Because its important for all people who plan on having kids to realize that with kids, comes poop and barf and many other gross things that without kids, you would never come in contact with. I remember an incident that occurred years before having kids in which my Sister in law was staying with us and her youngest who was about 18 months at the time was very constipated. So constipated that she was getting sick. Sparing you of details, I will just say that it ended with her pooping, barfing, and peeing all at the same time all over her mom and my brand new beige couch. As a person who loves kids, especially my family, I was not even close to mad but I was naive into thinking this would never be something I would ever have to deal with.

A few months ago, on my anniversary, to be exact, I posted on Facebook that I was covered in baby barf and it smelled awful. A lovely old college friend suggested I change my shirt. I laughed. With 2 very pukey kids, I was very use to being covered in baby barf. So use to it that I only wore "good" clothes if I was going to see people and said "good" clothes were actually clothes that I didn't care if I ruined and definitely not anything that required hand washing. Hand wash only clothes were considered as sacred as a wedding dress to only be worn to something as special as my own wedding.

With baby M now in his 9th month (seriously, I know), I am happy to finally be moving to a less barfy life. However, today's incident reminded me that Just because that stage has passed a new gross one will start. With solid food comes constipation; With potty trained kids, comes bum wiping; With cold weather comes snot; With teething comes drool, with inevitable illness comes diarrhea and real people barf. And lets not forget with diapers and squirmy babies comes pee and poo.

With children comes never ending access to someone else's bodily fluids. Yahhhh!

Who's Child is this?

So today I had one of my scariest mom moments when I became "that mom" who lost her child in a store. We were happily playing in the childrens area and when I was getting ready to pack up and leave I realized she had left. I had just seen her pushing a stroller around and then she was gone. When I approached a group of staff right outside the entrance to the childrens area I must have appeared inappropriately calm but I was kindof in shock. Anna has always been such a great kid that I couldn't believe she had run away. Everyone within ear shot came running and started looking for her. This made me panic even more as I realized how dangerous this situation could be. Chapters is a HUGE store. When i saw the stroller she had been pushing sitting abandoned in an aisle my heart sank. this is what you see on TV when kids go missing. Then we heard from afar a loud "I found her". My dear friend, Anna's godmother, who I was with had located the rascal running through aisles of books playing her version of hide and seek, also known as lets see how scared my mommy can get before before she finds me. I ran up to her, tears welling up in my eyes and grabbed her in hopes of explaining the impact this situation had on me and all I got was screaming and squirms as she was clearly not finished with the game. I could feel the eyes burning through the back of my head and imagined people thinking that my child is out of control and I am a irresponsible mom.

The exact opposite is in fact true. My child is the most thoughtful, generous, polite, well behaved child I have ever encountered. Now granted, I could have kept a closer eye on her but her track record as a dream child is why I didn't. Pretty much the same reason why I lost my dog so many times, I trusted that he wouldn't run away and then he would. Apparently 3 year old are more like young labs that one would think.

This is the 3rd unproud moment Anna and I have had in a week. Last friday we met some friends at Cheeky Monkeys and all was well until it was time to leave. I ended up carrying her out in a tee-shirt kicking and screaming. This was the first time I actually used the dreaded mom line "I was so embarrased by your behaviour". I then spent the next hour analyzing my parenting and questioning how I handled the situation and how to better handle it when it happens again. Nothing makes you question your parenting more than a tantrum in front of other people.

I realize now that it isn't so much embarrassment as it is sadness. Sadness because people get the wrong impression of Anna and because I have to do some difficult parenting in front of people who may judge both of us. I know that 3 year olds are unpredictable and still kids, regardless of how well behaved they may be. I also know that parenting is not always sunshine and roses and that most moms may look at these situations with understanding rather than judgement. But it still makes me think Who's child is this? I want everyone to see my wonderful little human. Apparently even the most wonderful humans have their flaws and my daughters appears to be her stubbornness when it comes to getting what she wants. Hmmm, I wonder who she gets that from?

Anna and I:

I am a good mom!

Raising kids is the hardest thing I have ever done! it is also the most complicated thing I have ever done because everyone does it differently and everyone is sure that they way they are doing it is the right way. It has taken me 3 years to realize this but if kids are happy, safe, and healthy, then they are being raised right, regardless of how.

I have always been hard on myself about my parenting. I would constantly compare my kids development to that of other kids and my parenting to other moms. Anna didn't crawl for 10 months while her friends crawled around 6 or 7 months. I thought for sure it was my fault! I thought I had stalled her development because I didn't play with her enough. Well, I am happy to report that she now crawls and walks, rolls, jumps, runs, counts, sings, colours, says please and thank you and countless other wonderful things that kids her age should do. I am also happy to report that she can play independently by herself and sit through entire movies. Now before you all roll your eyes as me, i am well aware that she has flaws such as was mentioned in my past post and the fact that she takes several trips back to her bed before she goes to sleep. But all in all, I have come to realize that not only did I not break her, I actually made her stronger!

One of my facebook friends posted a link to this article: http://arts.nationalpost.com/2011/01/22/spoiled-vs-spoiled-the-parenting-debate/ and I realized that just because my infants sit in swings and play in exersaucers doesn't mean I am a bad parent and doesn't mean that I am unusual. They will also likely come home to an empty house as teenagers just as I did. The line in this article that really caught my attention was this:

So leaving the tot in another room becomes “unfair.” And once the baby has aged into a walking, talking child, is it any wonder that he’s grown so used to being the bull’s-eye of attention, that any style of parenting other than the kind that permanently hovers...becomes near impossible? The overparenting parent becomes a fait accompli.

My infants played or swung independently while I cooked and baked. My infants sat in carseats when they weren't in the car. My infants slept in cribs from birth. My infants cried as a way to learn to self sooth. And my infants were, and still are, very happy and very independant.

I have also become self conscious about the fact that I keep a house that is unusually clean given that I have 2 children. Much like some people would clean up for company, I have sometimes wanted to clean down so that my house reflects the fun we have in it. I have heard lately several friends make comments about their houses being messy and unkept but their kids being happy and played with. Almost like they feel the need to justify it (which you don't by the way) and they may be surprised to know that as a result they have given me the same feeling for the opposite reason. I have felt like a bad mom for folding laundry while helping Anna with a puzzle, or putting on a movie so i can clean the bathrooms, or teaching Anna that when you are finished you bring your plate to the table if you want dessert. When Anna sees me get out the broom and drops what she is doing so that she can "help mommy" it made me wonder if she thinks the only way she gets to spend time with me is by helping me with chores. It took me some reasoning within myself to realize that she is my daughter, with my genes and maybe she likes to clean. At her daycare they loved her because she was the only one who voluntarily helped clean up (that's my girl). I do something with my kids every day; We usually go on an outing, sometimes we stay home and craft or play with toys but for the record, to all my readers, I do not clean all day!

Anyways, I hope i didn't offend anyone, as that was exactly the point I was trying not to make. That everyone lives and parents different. There is no right or wrong method to parenting as long as kids are happy, healthy and safe.

All in a days work

Lately I have been feeling guilty about wanting to spend time by myself on the weekends or in the evening. I always feel the need to justify wanting to go to the mall on a Saturday for a few hours or go grocery shopping by myself. My husband has never told me I cannot do something but sometimes I think he wonders why I want or need to and that makes me feel guilty. I feel as though I should want to be around my kids all the time and if staying at home with our kids is my job then is it really fair of me to expect him to do my job when he comes home from his. I have thought about this a lot lately.

I think I found my answers in the fact that I have experienced both being a working parent and a stay at home parent. So dad's, pay attention because I am comfortable with saying that these points likely go for most stay at home moms. I have based my opinions on my experience so as to avoid being accused of making assumptions.

When I went to work, I would do my hair, wear makeup, and dress nice everyday and people saw me. As a stay at home mom, I do shower everyday and sometimes I wear jeans instead of jogging pants and get to the blow dryer before my hair has already dried bad but it seems on days when i put effort into my appearance, either nobody sees me or I get puked on before 9am.

When I went to work, I got breaks and lunch where I could completely separate myself from work. If I needed to, I could run out for a coffee whenever I want. As a stay at home mom, my lunch is eating kid friendly food while feeding a baby with a toddler on my lap. When its over I usually have food all over me. I look forward to afternoon naps but it takes half an hour and a lot of effort to get both kids down and there is no guarantee that it will actually happen or for how long. And when it does happen, I spend that time preparing supper, cleaning things up, and/or folding laundry. Also, If I do activities or run errands, I risk missing nap time.

When i went to work I could easily run errands on my lunch. A quick trip to the store, bank, post office, or all three. As a stay at home mom, I avoid errands unless necessary. There is no longer such a thing as a quick trip. Loading and unloading 2 kids from car seats, stroller, diaper bag, purse. then I get into the institution I am visiting for my quick trip and someone needs to pee, or someone craps their pants, or I have to whip out my boob because someone needs to eat. By the time I am done my quick trip, I have been there almost an hour. And I would really have to be desperate to run multiple errands in one trip. One kid out, Two kids out, One kid in, two kids in, One kid out...you get the picture.

When I went to work I had decent conversations with other adults that made me smarter and kept me in tune with whats going on in the world. As a stay at home mom, the majority of my conversations are with a 3 year old who replies "Huh?" to almost every question I ask her. And when she doesn't reply "Huh?" I kind of wish she did because it would save me the trouble of trying to figure out what she is saying to me. As for whats going on in the world, well, I know what Dora has been up to today, does that count?

When I went to work, I had sick/personal days and vacation days. If I was under the weather or didn't sleep that night, I would send my kids to daycare and stay home to rest. As a stay at home mom, that just doesn't exist. Nursing a bad cold? still have to get up at 6am and parent. Kids kept you up all night? Oh well, still have to parent.

When I went to work, I simply got to leave the house. I got to eat out every once in a while. As a stay at home mom I sometimes don't leave the house and when I do it is usually to visit the same child filled places; playground, library, school. Because he goes to work, My husband is out of the house more than he is in and he eats out often enough that he doesn't want to go out at night or on weekends. This I understand, but man what I would give to eat a professional chef made meal that I didn't prepare and that I don't have to clean up after every once in a while.

When I went to work I left my work at 5pm and lived for Fridays. As a stay at home mom, my work never leaves. This is where I have been confused about expectations of husbands. I know my husband works hard and its not that I want him to come home and take over for me or that I think he should, its just that husbands need to understand the monotony of our jobs. When your at work job stresses you out, you come home. that change is often enough to ease tension. Stay at home moms don't have that change.



Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love having the opportunity to be home with them and watch them grow and learn. I love staying in my PJ's reading books in bed until 9am. I also love having adequate time to prepare good wholesome meals. I love having a clean house and clean laundry and not worrying about doing either task on the weekends. But its tiring. Regardless of how much someone loves their job, a change of pace is always necessary. A change of scenery. A change of company.

In 5 months I go back to work and that is bittersweet. I love both lives. I love having some Independence; some time without a baby on my hip and a toddler pulling on my arm but I also love getting big baby smiles all day and helping someone learn their colours and letters.

So when I say that I need to go to the mall on Saturday sans kids its not because I like being away from them or even that I think being with them is hard work, its simply that I need a change. I need to do something other than puzzles, crafts, and colouring. I need to not forget to take care of me as well as them.

"Mommy Cried for Grandpa Ray"

Almost 4 and a half years ago one of the most important men in my life left me. My dad died while I held his hand and told him that he didn't need to hang on for me anymore.I told him it was ok to go and within minutes I watched him slip away at 1:30am on August 19th 2006. It was the saddest moment of my life. A moment I never thought I would have to live through at 27 years old. Yet it was a moment I would not change for the world and a moment I relive almost daily. My dad had been my hero. He was the kindest, most gentle man. He would do anything for me. On a valentines day when i was nursing a broken heart, He went out and bought me a dozen roses because he said he didn't know how else to make me feel better. I lived with him (just the 2 of us, kind of like roomies)for a couple years before he passed away and its safe to say he was my best friend.

Now I have 2 beautiful children and while my life is full of joy and love and laughter, there is still a hole because they will never know this wonderful man that I can only tell them about. I had the pleasure of seeing him love my dear niece Kayla who was only 2 months old when he died and it gives me a sense of comfort to know how he would have held and loved my kids too. But since he cannot do that I have to do the next best thing for them which is to teach them who he was and how much I love him and how much he loves them from heaven.

Now that Anna is turning 3 and able to understand things a bit more, I have decided to start teaching her about Grandpa Ray. With a picture of my dad and I proudly displayed in our living room, we have the opportunity to visit him frequently. She turned me into a bawling mess when she got up from the table at lunch one day and brought his picture over and said "I have lunch with Grandpa Ray" This was followed by "I hold onto Grandpa Ray" as she hugged the photo. A moment I happily caught on the camera.


This Christmas my children (and me) got the best gift ever from daddy. My husband had told me he got them a special gift but wouldn't tell me what. During our gift opening, I was brought to tears again as I helped Max and Anna open photo books for each of them all about Grandpa Ray. A beautiful book filled with happy memories of my dad and a story to go along with it. At this point in time that book means more to me than it does to them but I am happy they have something so special for when they understand more about who he is. I am grateful for such a thoughtful husband (who even made one for Kayla and mailed it to her) who appreciates how tragic it was for me to lose my dad and wants to help keep his spirit alive for our kids.


So at the age of 3, Anna wants to look at Grandpa Rays book everyday before nap and I, of course, cry. Anna rubs my back and says "Don't cry mommy" and then when daddy comes home she tells him "Mommy cried for Grandpa Ray".

Teaching them about Grandpa Ray may be the hardest thing I do. What I would give for just one more day with him and for them to have the opportunity to learn about him from him.

Clarity! Kids are Puzzles

What is a 4 letter word for complicated? BABY! Somebody recently said to me in passing that Children were like puzzles and this opened a whole new world of clarity for me. I have spent many days and nights trying to figure out how to "fix" Max. It just dawned on me that he didn't need to be fixed, he needed to just be figured out.

Kids cannot speak for the first year or 2 of their lives. Some parents are lucky enough to have babies who learn baby sign, some parents embark on elimination communication, and some parents try to learn the 5 cries of babies. But regardless of what tools they use, ALL parents are faced with the challenge of trying to figure out the puzzles that are our kids.

Max was definitely a more complicated infant than Anna. He has kept the wheels in my brain spinning. Why isn't he sleeping? Is it gas or a sore tummy? and what caused the gas and sore tummy? Is he teething? Is it his congestion? and how can we fix it? is he hungry? is he eating enough? when should he eat and how much? is he sleeping too much during the day? is he cold? AHHHHHHH. What are the answers!

Lately we have spent many conversations trying to figure out this specific puzzle. At least its a puzzle we can travel with. I mean even when we were snowboarding sans kids, we spent the whole time working on the puzzle. Apparently though it was worth it as on New years Eve of 2010 it appears we MAY have solved this puzzle. Its not the first New Years Eve I have spent doing puzzles (Blush).

We think we found the answer in that he was stuck on his routine of eating at night and not during the day. I say think as I don't want to jinx it and I still go to bed at night with the expectation that it may be a rough night. After all, we all know that when one puzzle is finished a new one is started.

before I know it he will turn 2 and I will be faced with the same puzzle I am working on with Anna right now. What is she saying and why is she crying?

To Cry or Not to Sleep...That is the Question, Part 2.

As many of my facebook friends know, I have been battling Sleep Deprivation for a couple months now. My little man of 7 months has turned into a night owl and I am suffering through it. When I wrote Part one of this post, I was embarking on the controversial "Cry it Out" Method of sleep training. After all, Anna cried one night and that was it, she was fixed! With Max, We practised modified version of Crying it out for 3 days. Modified because I always went to see him and tried to sooth him. I had read that it was meaner to give in and pick them up after they had cried for so long because then they cried for nothing, but after 3 days, I had to pick him up. It broke my heart to hear him cry and it seemed I got more sleep when i went in and nursed him for 10 minutes and then when back to dreamland as opposed to lying in bed wide awake and waiting for him to fall back asleep.

This sleep issue has consumed our conversations much as it has consumed my facebook status. Teething, congestion, hunger, gas, heat...It had to be SOMETHING or, as it appeared to be, all of the above. Oye, How to fix all of the above. We gave Max Camilia, Hydrasense, Tylenol, Gripe water, a pillow, formula. We even called in the HVAC company to adjust the heat so his room was warmer than ours, nothing really changed to situation.

The biggest change I made was my decision to stop breastfeeding during the day (I will still nurse him at night if he gets up). This was about the time when Anna stopped breastfeeding and I always said I wanted to go to 6 months. In an effort to see if Max's issue was a need for more than my breastmilk, I decided to cut him off. After 6 months of being my sidekick (he wouldn't take a bottle ever since my mid-summer crisis when I gave up on him) I wasn't sure how he would react but he surprised me. And now, He is so cute when he sees the bottle and starts smiling and smacking his lips. However this did not fix the issue of him wanting to nurse every hour through the night until something clicked in my sleep deprived head.

Since Max was born I have been trying to remember things about Anna's infancy. When did she nap properly, When did she start a bedtime routine, when did she start a proper feeding routine. My suggestion to all new moms is MAKE NOTE! These things you will want to know for baby number 2. Since Max started solids, I have been lost about feeding routines as he never seemed hungry.

Well DUHHH, he is never hungry because he eats ALL NIGHT! It seemed my little night owl had mixed up his day and nights when it came to eating. So new year, new routine! last night he was cut off. no nursing until after 5 am. He got up at 10pm, was given a soother and went back to sleep. then he got up at 1am, whined for about 20 minutes and went back to sleep. Then at 6am he got some warm, fresh from the taps, breastmilk and actually ate an appropriate amount of food and formula throughout the day!

Here's hoping that 2011 brings us all more sleep.

Tis the Season to be Grateful.

While looking at pictures today I found myself getting choked up because of how much I loved my kids. I was in awe that these 2 beautiful human beings belonged to me and that i get to wake up to their amazing faces and personalities everyday (and multiple times a night apparently)for the next 18 years (then they can just call me when they wake up).

Lately I have witnessed Anna's amazing, thoughtful, and polite personality. She is always quick to get her baby brother a toy, or a burp blanket when he so much as drools. At the end of nap time, I hear her in the monitor yelling from her door to Max's room " Max, I coming! I coming, Max". When I sit down to nurse Max, Anna runs around getting me everything I need including my Iphone and a bur blanpket and then monitors Max's eating, making sure to push him back on if he lets go for any reason. Between helping Max and Helping Mommy, Our family is truly lucky to have such a wonderful little girl.

She is also my little parrot! As do most 2 year olds I am sure, she takes note of everything and then copies or repeats it in the cutest way. My term of endearment for Max is buddy and the other day as I was preparing Max's supper, he was sitting in his highchair letting me know that i needed to hurry up in the only way he knows how, with tears. Anna quickly ran over to him, brought him a toy and said "its Okay Buddy" over and over again. When she is not needed to sooth Max as he waits for his food she is in the kitchen getting a spoon for Max, or everyone for that matter, and setting the table for supper. I never taught me 2 year old to set the table yet she does it so well and without prompting.

A few weeks back, we had a bridal shower for my cousin and Anna and her little cousin Emmy sat down to eat their cake at the kids table in the toy room. Emmy's mom, my cousin Krista, sat on the floor in there to eat with them because the other chairs were all in the living room. Anna surveyed the situation and without any prompting Anna went into the other room and carried a chair back to the toy room for Krista. Yet another example of my thoughtful little girl.

This whole post was brought to light after a very busy holiday weekend. Yesterday evening we hosted my coworkers and their families for a holiday dinner. Usually a bit shy, I prepped Anna for the arrival of other kids. it turned out she was an amazing host. She showed the kids to her toy room, and took a younger guest under her wing. When everyone was leaving she very loudly shouted "Thank you for coming, Merry Christmas". Today was much the same as we attended another Christmas party. We were slightly afraid considering she went to bed at 10pm last night and missed nap today. Yet the day was completed at 7:30pm with no tears and lots of smiles.

So as the Christmas Season progresses I am reminded that I have already gotten the best gift of all; 2 beautiful children, inside and out.


PS: When I ask Anna what she wants Santa to bring her, she answers with Gusto "PRESENT"! Santa, if you read this, she has been a very good girl and she isn't even picky!

To Cry or Not to Sleep...that is the question

As many of you know I have been battling some serious sleep issues in this house. When Max was a newborn I had never experienced such sleep deprivation in my life. for the first 10 weeks of his wee life he got up every hour through the night. As you all know from a few months back at that time I gave up on breast feeding and thought switching to formula would make the difference but it didn't and I was unhappy with our new situation. I switched back to breast feeding and to my surprise he started sleeping through the night. This lasted about a month. At which time, Mr Max started getting up for a couple feeds at night.

Since Max started getting up for night feeds, he has been totally unpredictable. He usually fed twice but sometimes he would feed more. I read books and discussed sleep training with other parents and eventually decided that I would not be doing any sleep training. I would give my sweet baby boy his night feeds as long as he needed them. I was functioning fine with a few nightly interruptions and I had been told that he would eventually just not need them. I was going to let him be my baby as long as he needed.

About 2 weeks ago, everything changed. We now know that everything changed when we took the guest bed out of Max's room and replaced it with a glider. He started getting up more than usual but still not enough for me to change my mind about sleep training. I read a book called Sleep Sense and bought Max a special lovey for his bed and started waiting a few minutes before going to see him at night, I even tried giving him formula before bed. I was going to try and help him cut out his night feeds without cutting him off cold turkey. However, things have progressively gotten worse and everything i thought I knew has gone out the window.

Max cut a tooth 2 weeks ago. He had a terrible night and woke up with a tooth. since then he has gotten up every hour for the entire night. I put him down between 7 and 8 and he is awake again starting at 9:45. When Anna cut her first tooth she went from sleeping through the night to getting up multiple times a night for four months until we finally let her Cry it out. But the difference between Anna and Max is that Anna was easily changed. One tooth and she got up at the same time every single night until One night of crying and she never got us up at night again. Max, on the other had, is so unpredictable. So again, i decided I would wait it out. He had to get over it soon. I have since learned that they may not be as different as i thought. Max had created a habit. Sometimes He doesn't even want to eat, he simply wants to be rocked in his new glider.

In the past week, I have had some of the worst nights ever. I have kicked guy out of bed so max could sleep with me, I have tried Camilia for his teeth, Hydrasense for his stuffy nose, Advil for whatever it is suppose to do. One night max stayed awake until 3 am and then when he finally fell asleep it only lasted 1.5 hours before he was a screaming mess.

So this is where I must decide; to Cry or Not to Sleep! Max has always known how to put himself to sleep. He has always gone to bed at night and at nap awake and always fell asleep peacefully on his own. So I know he can do it. Last night I was out when Max woke for the first time at 10pm. Guy tried consoling him but eventually he left him and hopped in the shower. By the time he got out, Max was asleep again. Hmmmm....maybe this can be done. We next heard from Max at 1am and I decided to give it a try. he put himself back to sleep in less than half an hour before so lets see what happens. So Please, hold your judgement and don't hate me, but Max cried for over an hour. I went in and soothed him (without picking him up), gave him a soother and told him how much i loved him and how sorry I was but he did put himself back to sleep and he slept till 5am at which point I happily nursed him and rocked him.

So there you have it. When it comes to parenting, nothing is cut and dry or black and white. Much like with a birth plans, things can change and throw a wrench in your perfect plans. Not to say listening to Max cry was easy, it was very hard to know how unhappy my baby boy was so lets just hope that Mr Max is as easily trained as Anna.

2.5 going on 12!

My baby girl is growing up before my eyes! I watch her in awe as she behaves in what I think is well beyond her years. She takes colouring so seriously that she concentrates so hard I have to remind her to eat her snack. Snack is a bowl of tostitoes and a cup of milk. Seriously, when did my 2.5 year old start lying on her belly with her ankles crossed colouring and casually munching on chips! Where did my baby go?

Recently Anna has taken to using my tactics against me. When it was time for bed but she wanted to watch Dora or Pooh, I would tell her they were gone DODO's. Then when pre-school started in September and she didn't want to go see Natasha (the teacher), she very seriously told me "Tata Dodo's! (Side bar: now when she is mad at me she cries out for Tata. complete 360 in 3 months.)

I have also been using the counting method to get her to listen. You know, you have till 5 to pick up your toys...followed by a timeout. I was shocked when after her nap today she yelled into the monitor "mommy come get me" She then proceeded to count to 5 and then yelled "time out". How do you not Laugh your A$$ off at that!

It's Pat?!

I use to watch Saturday night live religiously and i think "It's Pat" may have been one of my favorite sketches. The story of a person with a gender neutral name who looked like they could be either a male or female. Hilarious! until your child is the butt of the questions.

a lack of hair at birth runs in both mine and guys families. Both Anna and Max were bald at birth and at 2 and a half Anna is still what I call "follicly challenged". She has very little hair. I think she is freaking adorable but I am starting to really get tired of confirming that she is in a fact a SHE. Almost everyday someone refers to her as he, little guy, him, or my son! SERIOUSLY people, she has her ears pierced, her coat is pink, she wears skirts, and her face is the angelic face of a girl.

It seems society has such a stereotype of what little girls and little boys look like that people cannot look past the major defining features on the outside to see someone for who they really are. My Annabelle is girl thru and thru. She plays dress up with princess costumes, takes care of her babies, and LOVES shoes!

I love her the way she is but I often stare at her wondering what she will look like with long hair that I can put in ponytails or braids. I know someday I will find out but in the meantime I need to buy more pink.

My "I will never list" with kudos to another blog.

A facebook friend and fellow mom recently posted this link on her page, I decided to give it a read and have since shared it with many mommies. Here is the link to their top 10 "oh now I get it moments"

http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/2010/07/sgw-my-top-10-oh-now-i-get-it-moments.html

As I did, I am sure at least some of you will find yourself nodding and laughing as you read these. You will also, no doubted find yourself coming up with some of your own moments. This entry will share with you my "I will never list" which in turn has become my "oh now I get it list". I have embraced parenthood with the ability to accept the things i cannot change.

Here we go.

1. I will never let my child out of the house dirty or in unmatching clothes!

Basically when i found out I was having a girl, I had dreams of bows in her hair, beautiful dresses, and painted nails. she was going to be my real live doll. And she was...until she could move! Now if she leaves the house in weather appropriate clothes I am happy. She has left our house in pink and blue striped tights and an orange shirt with white polka dots. She went to a party in a pretty dress with a flannel pajama top as the cardigan. Should I at least be happy that she got the layering thing figured out? in the spring I hid her snow boots as she didn't understand or care that you don't wear snow boots without snow and one day during the 40 degree heatwave she found them and wore them on our evening walk. This wonderful sense of style goes hand in hand with the marker all over her arms and the pasta sauce or chocolate cookie that is all over her face that she often sports. But she is happy and for that I now get it.

2. I will never let my child play with stickers!

For those who know me, I hate stickers with a passion! I threw up at the metcalfe fair because someone stuck a sticker to me. Mind you I was pregnant but still I hate stickers! Everyone said I would never be able to keep Anna away from stickers but I thought if I I never introduce them to her she won't know what she is missing. I would even take them off the fruit as soon as they came in the house. What I didn't account for was friends and daycare and doctors offices and mean ole mommy friends who want to see me squirm! Now Anna loves stickers! But just because I have decided that her not throwing herself on the floor in a tantrum is worth a few stickers, I have not gotten over my issue. She once went to bed with a sticker on each hand and only woke up with one GASP! I tore her bed apart until I found the lost sticker because I was not going to be surprised by a gross disgusting dirty sticker in her bed. OK, so this is more my issue than a parenting thing. I am working on it!

3. I will never let my child throw a tantrum in a store!

I guess I thought because I was a child and youth worker with loads of experience caring for kids, I would magically have the best behaved, well mannered children to exist. I didn't account for the fact that children all have their own personalities that no amount of wonderful rolemodeling can change. My Anna loves to be silly. I have patience so I walk around the store following her while she is silly but when its time to go and she throws herself on the ground because I had to give the friggin rubbermaid bin to the cashier so she could scan it, I just went about my business and watched all the faces of the people around me who I know where thinking "my child will never do that". Oh ya, wait and see!


4 I will never make my people talk to my child on the phone!

I have talked to my neices, nephews, and friends kids on the phone and while I love them, I was ready for the call the end. I think moms think that everyone understands their kids the way they do and everyone finds them speaking cute. but its not true. Only moms and dads and maybe grandparents find it cute. Yet I still expose everyone who calls to my little Annabelles voice and I am blinded by my momminess because I still stand by the fact that everyone wants to talk to her!

So thats my contribution to this list. Considering I thought my life with kids would be a flawless fairytale I am sure there are many more things that could be added but I love life with my kids so much that I don't even remember or care about what I thought life would be like. it is what it is and I am embracing every moment.

To take care of herself!

Even before kids, I suffered from an annoying problem of my hair falling out. I mean I am not going to go bald or anything, but when I wash my hair it comes out in my hands and after i brush it I need to clean out my brush. This problem was only compounded when I got pregnant and my hormones started raging.

As a solution to this problem my mother in law told me she heard that Tre-semme shampoo does wonders for this issue. I decided to try it out. For the past year or so I have used Tre-Semme shampoo. I have used 2 different bottles and found a winner.

Tre-Semme Anti-breakage with B12 and Gelatin seriously, honestly, stops your hair from breaking or falling out, whatever may have been happening. I thought it was the Keratin in the shampoo that does the trick but they all have Keratin in them but only this bottle stops the problem.

So if you are faced with this problem either because you have kids or just because, try this shampoo. It takes a month or so to start working but tried and tested, I can tell you this shampoo will keep your hair where it belongs...on your head!

A Mothers Worst Nightmare!

We should have built a bungalow! Back in 2003 when I worked for Minto, I stupidly fell down the stairs of our office. when I landed at the bottom everyone panicked and wanted to call 911. i insisted I was fine but man did it ever hurt. In 2005 I stupidly fell down the wood stairs of our barrhaven townhouse. That time I cried like a baby and ended up completely detaching my pinky toenail. So now, in 2010 I fell down our Kemptville house stairs...with Max!

A few weeks ago I rented "The Blind Side". I absolutely loved it and got chills at the concept of protective instinct. I was heartwarmed When Michael put his arm across the airbag so SJ wouldn't get hurt, He truly saw them as family and with family, especially those younger, smaller and more vulnerable you do what you have to do to protect them.

I put this theory to test this morning and am happy to say that I have this thing called protective instinct.

As I was starting down the stairs with Max in tow like I do every morning, I thought to myself 'be careful'. I am always cautious but this morning I remember being overly cautious with each step. About half way down, I stepped too far forward on a step and wiped out. There is a blank in there but I remember after I came to a stop, seeing Max's head flop back, hearing him cry and i realized what had just happened. between the pain and the fear and the shock, I was a screaming, crying mess. Thankful Guy hadn't left for his business trip yet and he quickly came, scooped up Max and at my request, focused on him, rather than me.

I am happy to report that Max came out of this incident without a single bump or bruise. I on the otherhand have one heck of a sore tailbone because my protective instinct didn't let go of Max with either hand and therefore I had nothing to break my fall.

So 2 hours, post fall and I still have the shakes. When I think back to what happened I cry at how much worse this situation could have turned out. the idea of anything happening to your kids is truly a mothers worst nightmare. I think it is a chemical that enters your brain when you have kids that you would do anything to protect them at any cost.

So now I will say goodbye as I go ice my butt because I cannot even bend over and I am a single parent to two for the next three days. Wish me luck!

My dirty little secret...update

So my dirty littlr secret now is that I changed my mind! During my time of having Max on the bottle, I felt the need to tell my story to anyone who would listen. I wanted everyone to know that I wasn't bottle feeding by choice, or so I thought. But I think I was truly busy trying to convince myself that this change was necessary.

This past monday I went on a playdate. I saw nursing moms and bottle feeding moms. While I have nothing against bottle feeding moms, I just didn't feel like I belonged on that side of the fence. I pervertedly stared at the babies nursing with jealousy. that night I checked out Jack Newmans website for treatments of Thrush and again, looked at pictures of nursing babies with jealousy. It was at the moment I decided I wanted to try again. I wasn't ready to give up on something I was meant to do.

2 things made this decision possible, one being that I pumped occasionally and two being that I have abnormally effective boobs for milk production. So on tuesday, Max and I had a nursing vacation. I breastfed and pumped all day to help build up my supply. By wednesday I had enough milk again to feed him exclusively on the breast, by thursday he was so happy he gave me his first giggle and by friday he...are you ready for this... slept through the night!

But what about the problems that led me to quit in the first place? This is where I think every mommy, baby, big sister, and daddy needs an endless amount of patience.

I think one of my big problems was the fact that I never had to teach Anna how to nurse. She was a pro. I didn't have the patience I needed to help Max figure things out. I didn't have the patience to feed Max as often as he needed to be fed. and I didn't have the patience to deal with the terrerfic twos on so little sleep. I have entered this new phase with a different mind set.

Now I am not perfect and I still need sleep, So yes, I will supplement with formula as necessary to accomodate the fact that he is still a very hungry boy. I will also get upset at my two year old when she is pushing limits. but one thing I will not do EVER again is give up on my kids because things got tough.

So, here we go again. Wish me luck!

my dirty little secret

When I was a new mom with Anna and I would have friends having babies, the subject of feeding would always come up. I would ask if they planned on breastfeeding and would offer my 2 cents if the answer was "I am going to try". My opinion was that everyone can breastfeed. Its tough in the beginning but once you and baby learn how it is simple the best option. At the time I had a dream baby. After a rough 2 weeks in the beginning with cracked nipples and several night feeds, i ended up with a child that would eat while I walked around, would latch on in the dark with no effort and would go 4 hours between feeds. I didn't realize how close minded I was being.

So now, with baby number 2 here, I say that a very important tool for all new moms, and people in general to have, is the ability to have an open mind!

Max and Anna could not be more different and the biggest difference is how they feed. When Max was born he took to the breast right away. My milk came in not 24 hours after he was born and we were off. The beginning was rough but I kept telling myself it gets better. He was eating every hour around the clock. I was tired but I knew the end was near. When 2 weeks passed and he kept eating around the clock, I decided to seek the help of my doctor and a lactation consultant as it didn't seem right that he would need to eat so much. it turned out max had a tongue tie and he had no gusto in his suck. So after my milk would initially pour into his mouth, he would not get much more. His latch was so sensitive that if I so much as sneezed he would fall off. With enough milk to feed an orphanage, this would then mean that both he and I were soaked and he wouldn't want to wrap his little mouth around the waterfall again. We would work at it and then he would fall asleep. I would switch sides but after he was asleep he was done. So that's the end of the feed until an hour later when he woke up and said through his screaming cry "hey, I wasn't done". I needed to supplement with pumped milk in order to get some extra sleep and keep the demand up as his suck wasn't telling my boobs he needed what he actually needed. for the next 3 weeks, every feed was breast, pump, bottle. this would buy me an extra hour before I would do it again. He got his tongue tie snipped at 5 weeks and I hoped for the best but the best didn';t come. I cut out bottles to try and work on his latch and went exclusively to the beast again but at 10 weeks old, in a teary ball on the shower floor after yet another sleepless night, I said I was done! I gave max his next feed out of a bottle and he was happy for almost 4 hours! I realized then that my poor boy was miserable because he was always hungry!

So my dirty little secret is that i now feed my 2.5 month old formula. Yes I admit it! the proof is in the nasty green stinky poop. Now that I do something I secretly crucified other moms for doing, I have learned that having an open mind is a gift. I have no idea why people do what they do so who am I to judge. Society already throws it in my face that breast is best in commercials, magazine ads, on the side of the formula can, and even in infant apparel (note Max's shirt in the picture above) so i don't need anyone else telling me that I am giving my son second best. With this realization, I will never judge someone who decides to feed their child formula for whatever reason as I can only hope people won't judge me.

As a final note, I do wish i was breastfeeding. There are so many positives aside from the milk being the best most natural thing for baby. Formula is expensive and now that every member of my family is registered for the nestle gift I will have to start paying for it eventually, the poop is beyond nasty, and or course it involves preparing and washing bottles. For that I obviously suggest everyone give breastfeeding a good solid effort if they can. But ultimately my open mind says do whats best for your baby and for YOU!