Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Back to Life...Back to Reality!

I survived one week back to work...but just barely!

Last weekend I was all geared up to head back. I spent the weekend tidying up around the house and preparing some freezer meals, doing laundry and loving on my kids! Of course though nothing in a parents life happens as expected and right before work was to start Max stopped sleeping through the night. its like he knew something was up and wanted to tell me how much he disagreed with this change. So week one (and 2 days) I have worked my full days on very little sleep. Nothing like jumping right into the deep end of the pool! As well, my replacement has been gone now for over a month so I had no honeymoon period it was right to the grind picking up everything that has been on hold for a month.

I was very lucky to have a dear friend take on the challange of watching Max for me. I say Challenge as she is a parent herself to 3 girls ranging in age from 4 to 11 months. All last week he cried at drop off and made things a little difficult for everyone but otherwise seemed to adjust well. While I feel very lucky to have a friend watching Max and I know he is safe and loved, it has the downfall of me worrying everyday that he is making things difficult for her and worrying that she will resent me for "ruining" her days. If he was going to a daycare in which I had no connection I wouldn't care if he pooped on them 5 times a day or demanded attention but I think it is human nature to care when you are friends with the person who's life is being affected. Now as as side note, she has told me numerous times that it is fine, she is Ok but it is definately my human nature to care.

So here I sit at my lovely desk while my kids go about their days without me. Max broke my heart this morning as he just looked so sad driving to Kate's house. I know he is being loved but I think he just wants to be loved all day by me. It is a big change for everyone but I know we will survive!

Ok. Lunch is ending, back at er!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I Survived!

One year later with only a few fights and meltdowns, numerous diapers and a ridiculous amount of feedings and one fever and we survived. Today Max turns ONE!!

To Celebrate this wonderful occasion I want to take a trip down memory lane. Where were we one year ago yesterday and today.

On Sunday June 6th, 2010 we had Grandmaman, Chantale, Noah, Zach, Grandma, and Grandpa over for dinner. I had been feeling very yucky all weekend; tired and sick. Just before dinner was to start I spent some time lying on the couch with my feet up. When dinner was ready I went to the table and grandma told me I looked really flushed. She then put her hand on my big belly and said she felt a contraction. I never went into proper labour with Annabelle so I didn’t really know what to expect. When Grandma told me I was having a contraction I then started counting them and timing the time between. The so-called contractions were tiny, didn’t hurt, and were not consistent so I thought it was a false alarm.
After everyone left (except Grandmaman as she was staying with us) I decided to go to bed just in case it was the real thing. When I was in bed, I had a very distinct “pain” in my belly. Daddy came to bed and I decided to go downstairs and wait it out while watching TV. At this point it still didn’t feel like much as the pains stopped when I was walking around. Daddy and Grandmaman came downstairs and insisted that I should go stay at grandma’s house because she lived close to the hospital. I reluctantly agreed and when I got up from the chair I had a lot of pain. While I was packing my bags (and making the bed, hehe) I decided that the pain was strong enough that I needed to go straight to the hospital instead of grandma’s house.
When we got in the car it was clear that the pains I was having were definitely contractions. They were 2 minutes apart and very painful. We had a 40 minute drive to the hospital and Daddy was very nervous that he was going to have to deliver you on the side of the highway so he was driving mighty fast. Every contraction I screamed in pain and daddy drove faster so I had to try and be quiet. It was now after 11pm and luckily there wasn’t any traffic. If any cars got in our way, Daddy flashed his lights at them to get out of the way. When we got to the hospital, daddy dropped me off at the door and went to park the car. As I sat in a wheelchair at the door, people saw me and were very concerned that I was not ok but I was fine, just very much in labour!
Daddy wheeled my chair up to labour and delivery and we checked in. I had a hard time talking as my contractions were now a minute apart and daddy was very flustered. We went into the triage room and the nurse checked me to discover that I was only 4 cm dilated and my water had not broken…until 2 minutes after that when it did. They immediately moved me into the delivery room where we met our nurse for the night, Anita.
Anita was great. I was in a lot of pain and really wanted an epidural. While we were waiting, I was given laughing gas to take off the edge and while it didn’t make the pain go away it gave me a sense of humour. I was able to joke and laugh between the painful contractions. However, it was also yucky and made me very sick. When the woman came to give me the epidural, Anita wanted to check to see if I had dilated anymore first. I was afraid she would tell me it was too late for the epidural so I wouldn’t let her check me until after. She reluctantly agreed and after the epidural she checked and I was 8 cm. (As I thought, she wouldn’t have given me the epidural had we known this). After I got the epidural, the contractions were still very strong and painful. The pain changed into a throbbing pain in my crotch that wasn’t going away every 2 minutes like the pain from the contractions. Anita checked and I was ready to give birth to you. She said I could wait for the epidural to kick in but the quickest way to end the pain was just get you out! So with that I pushed for what I remember to be maybe 5 minutes or 2 pushes and you were born at 1:22am (about an hour and a half from arriving at the hospital and 3.5 from my first contraction). You cried a beautiful cry and so began our amazing journey together on June 7th, 2010.


To celebrate that wonderful day we had an wonderful birthday BBQ with our friends and family. However, Given that Max has been sleeping well he needed to remind me of who he is and how he is special. So a day before his party he got his first fever and was sick with vomitting and diarreha for the next 3 days. then the night before his actual first birthday he was up from about 2am to 6am.

Regardless, he is cute as a button and I am totally in love.



Sunday, May 15, 2011

Whats for Dinner?

I have never been a big cookbook girl. I have many and I have flipped through them and made the occasional casserole but I generally found the food either to forgein, or I didn't have half the very large amount of ingredients.

Until now...

Right after Max was born my mother in law introduced me to Clean Eating when she gave me the Eat Clean Diet Cookbook, by Tosca Reno. Having just had Max, healthy eating was just what I needed but I had no idea that this cookbook would shape the way my family ate from that point on. We break out this cookbook at least once a week and have even memorized some recipes.

So what is clean eating? Clean eating is basically eating without using processed, packaged food. If you ever watch Dr. Oz, you may have heard him say that you should shop the perimeter of a grocery store. The perimeter is where you find, fresh vegetables, grains, meats, and dairy. Now don't get me wrong, we still eat some processed and packaged food but this way of cooking our meals has taught us ways to prepare dinners without pre-made sauces, spice mixtures, etc.

Now I have tried some recipes that I won't make again (the homemade mac and cheese - not good) and the downfall to this eating is the initial need to purchase some ingredients that you likely don't already have but then you have them and they last for a long time.

But let me give you a taste for yourself. The next time you make a stir fry make your own sauce:

Chicken Szechuanese (sauce)
Sea Salt
Freshly ground black pepper
2 tsp potatoe flour or quinoa flour (i use regular flour)
3 tsp soy-sauce
3 tsp rice vinegar
1 tsp organic honey
1 cup vegetable or chicken broth

Mix together in a small bowl and when your stirfry is almost cooked, add the sauce and let simmer for a few minutes so the sauce soaks into the meat.

I have recently added Tosca Reno's Eat Clean Cookbook to my collection and once again, not disappointed.

If you want to make a lifestyle change, try this out. I think you'll like it.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Happy Mothers Day!

Hi Everyone. I hope you all had a great mothers day weekend. I sure did! We worked and played outside in the beautiful weather all weekend.

I promised Guy that Had i been on Facebook still I would have tooted his horn for giving me a wonderful mothers day so I will toot it here.

Friday he came home with a dozen pink roses (from Anna). they were bought as a fundraiser for breast cancer so the money went to a good cause which was an added bonus. (note Guy cooking dinner in the background)

Then While I took the kids swimming Saturday morning he installed my new clothes line (from Him).


Then on Sunday morning I got to sleep in for 2 extra hours and then i came downstairs to a cute card from the kids and a gift card to Lululemon to buy a new coat (from Max).

I have to say that Max has given me the hardest year of My life, so its fitting that his is the best gift of all. LOL.

Thats it thats All!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Are you a bad driver? No I am a parent!

I have always gotten openly annoyed with bad drivers. I hate tailgaters most of all and then there are the plain ignorant drivers who either just slept through drivers ed or are so confident in their skills that they try to multi task to an extreme. Either way, I go insane when in the presence of bad drivers.

Now may I present you with my hypocritical side. Lets take June 6th, 2010 for example. I went in to labour suddenly with my contractions starting at 2 minutes apart. With a 40 minute drive to the hospital ahead of us, my husband flew down the 416. He flashed lights at trucks that where in our way and dodged cars as necessary. I am sure the other cars where cursing him like I would normally be doing but he had no plans on delivering a baby on the side of the highway. Hmmm maybe next time I see such a scene I should consider what the circumstances may be.

Example number 2 of hypocritical me. As a sleep deprived mom, I often forget my head at home. I never drive if I am THAT tired but I have been less than all present driving through Kemptville to runs errands. A few weeks back I got a finger wave and head shake by a clearly annoyed gentlemen because I forgot to signal my turn and he sat waiting. I have been him and I felt terrible. I wanted to jump out of my car and explain myself and apologize. But instead he went on his Merry way thinking I am just a bad driver.

My final example came this past week. During the pouring rain I drove through the grocery store parking lot. I usually consider myself to be a thoughtful driver but when I was in my zone, it never occurred to me to stop and let the family leaving the video store who were standing in the pouring rain while I sat dry in my car cross the way. the light bulb noting my ignorance only came on when the dad looked at me (I saw through my rear view mirror) and shook his head. In this instance I wanted a do-over because to them now I am rude but the fact is I am generally very thoughtful in this matter.

So this is my apology to all drivers who have been the victims of my poor road skills lately. I am not a bad driver, I am just an exhausted parent.

Maybe I should just let Max drive from now on!


P.S - going off facebook is like leaving a party that is in full swing to go home alone. I seriously feel like I am missing a party. Liberating but lonely.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Bringing back the Art of Conversation!

Social Media has taken over our lives and recently I have realized that it has also taken away parts of our lives too. Therefore I have decided to stop using facebook.

Reason 1: The other day I was out with some friends and I realized how annoying it is to have someone check their facebook via smartphone in the middle of conversations. While noticing how annoying this is, i also realized that this is totally something I do. I have gotten to the point where i cannot go anywhere without my phone. A while back I read a blogpost about "mom, put down your damn iphone" or something like that and when i saw Anna breastfeed her child and needed to have her phone in her hand I had my eyes opened up. Surely she thinks that "damn Iphone" is as important to me as her.

Reason 2: When I run into someone from highschool or college or anywhere for that matter I feel like facebook has ruined the art of conversation. We already know everything about eachother right down to how much weight we need to lose. I have started a few conversations by asking "how is...." and realized it was a stupid question because thanks to facebook I already know. I have also wanted to share something about me but it is redundant because thanks to facebook they already know.

Reason 3: I have an addictive personality, a trait that was likely passed on to me by my father, and when I am addicted to something it seems as though I either need all or none. Now before you start sending me AA cards, I am talking more like Chocolate and Facebook. In an attempt to get physically healthier I have been cutting Chocolate out cold turkey so now in an attempt to get mentally healthier I am cutting out facebook. Facebook puts everything out there for everyone, especially if you are me. I started by disabling my wall to try and decrease my sharing. then I cut my friend list in half because I was incapable of not oversharing.

Simply put I appear to be unable to use facebook minimally so I am going to stop. I need to work on the most important relationships I have without the distractions of my overly obsessive curiosity with what everyone is up to. While Max has his evening bottle I am going to read to him instead of search facebook. When Anna wants to do a puzzle I am going to keep my phone in the kitchen instead of my pocket. After the kids go to bed I am going to work on my scrapbooks instead of stare aimlessly at my computer. And while Guy and I are in bed I am going to....Use my iphone to play scrabble with him. :) And when I see someone I am going to Ask "What have you been up to?" and actually be curious!

But I still want to stay in touch with my facebook friends. I am on Linked In for work and I have a twitter account (mostly so i can pretend I am friends with celebrities and reality TV stars) and I still use old fashioned Email, Phone, and Text. And of course I have this blog which I will continue to write in and share photos. So please follow it so that i am actually sharing with someone other than myself.

So there you have it in a nutshell. Guy thinks this is a phase and doesn't think i am serious. Who knows, maybe you'll see me back here later but definitely will be a long while. I will stay live for tomorrow so that I can hopefully get some blog followers but then after that I am shutin' er down for atleast 28 days (they say thats how many days it takes to break a habit, hense 28 days rehab...facebook rehab in my case)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Million Dollar Family!

Last night I had an epiphany, at least that's what I think its called. After Max woke up in a screaming fit due to most likely constipation, his cold, teething, or a combination of all three I realized that I cannot have another baby and I frankly don`t want one even if it means giving up one more year off from work.

I want to start by bowing down to moms of three or more kids. I am sure at least one of those kids challenged you and I commend you for having the strength to do it.

I have flip flopped on this subject a lot over the past 10 months as Max has been one heck of a challenge but last night was the first time I decided that I was done and believed it. It wasn`t because Max was having another meltdown, it was because I wasn`t able to handle it without losing my mind and sharing a few unchoice words with a small baby who is clearly in distress. When Max finally settled in my arms (seriously, I did not deserve any baby snuggles) I lied awake for hours making a pros and cons list which ultimately led to this decision (I will share the list at the end).

Why do I want three kids was the first question I asked myself. I never wanted three kids. I grew up in a house of 2 and I always said i wanted 2. If you consult my grade 8 yearbook it says I would have 2 kids by the year 2000 or something silly but still it said 2 kids. this all changed when I met my wonderful husband. He comes from a family of 4 kids. He is the only boy and the youngest and they are all very close, despite the physical distance between them. 2 of his sisters have 3 kids and the other has 2. they have an `honorary` sister who also has 3 kids which makes family gatherings chaotic and fun, even if one or two siblings may be missing. On the flip side, my one brother has one child and we don`t really see each other often. I love him of course but sometimes I feel like an only child which is lonely in comparison to my husbands family. When we do get together, family gatherings are small and quiet. I realized last night that I saw happiness in numbers. the more kids, the more fun, the more happiness.

But as much as you can`t buy happiness you also can`t procreate it. Why can`t our family of four be complete. I have very fond memories of my childhood with just one sibling; we fit in a tent trailer perfect, we fit in a 2 bed hotel room perfect and no one had to sleep on the floor, we played 2 on 2 basketball and no one was left out, we drove to school together and no one had to sit in the backseat,(I am sure I could think of more if I was getting more sleep). I had a wonderful relationship with my brother and I believe that Anna and Max will have an equally wonderful relationship. Our job as parents now is to ensure that our wonderful family dynamic carries into their adulthood and then we can have what I thought we needed more kids to have.

I also wanted more kids so that I could experience pregnancy and childbirth again. for the past 10 months that was a big reason why I hung on to wanting three or maybe even four kids even through the ridiculously long sleepless nights. I would see my facebook friends announce pregnancies and new babies and I would get a tinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. I would watch a baby story and the birth part of teen mom and cry because it was so beautiful. I will probably still get such feelings but I just have to remind myself of why it is better to give someone else that honor of experiencing such a joyful event.

So there are my pros for having more kids; another year off, childbirth again and a big happy family.
The cons that I came up with are; More Expensive (daycare, sports, programs, vacations, clothes), more sleepless nights which lead to mean mommy to all kids in my presence, need a new car, short a bedroom, more sleepless nights, strain on my marriage, and did I say more Sleepless nights.

A year and half ago we gave away our beloved dog because we were not good doggy parents anymore. I wanted to keep him but I felt like that would have been a selfish decision. He got yelled at a lot because we didn`t have the time to give him the attention he needed so He was always in the way. Last night I caught myself comparing this decision to that one. I want another child to full fill my personal needs which is selfish but in the end I would rather be a great mom to 2 kids then an Ok, sometimes crappy mom to three or more.




So the door to more kids is officially closed...and locked. My husband says we still have the key tucked away for a rainy day considering he won`t let anyone near his unit with a knife or laser or anything. But I think I should make a video of Max and Me at night in case we entertain the subject again.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

OMG, did you see what she was wearing?

Today I came across a blog post and I want to share it to all my readers. Read into it what you want but I read it to be mean and the straw that broke this camels back.

So without further ado, here it is. It is a blog post written by the owner of the Extraordinary Baby Shoppe in Ottawa. I have never read her blog before today but I took this opportunity to read a few other things she has posted and well... lets just say I won't become a follower. http://extraordinarybabyshoppe.blogspot.com/2011/03/hello-i-would-like-little-clarification.html

The reason I was angry at this specific post was her choice to refer to parents who diaper their babies in disposable diapers as "parents who don't consider the environmental effect of single-use diapers" and her comment about "If they are going to gripe and moan about the mess they create, they had better be ready to pay for it!". Now if you read this post you will see that she is referring to the City of Ottawa's decision to switch to Bi-weekly garbage collection which is a topic that itself means nothing to me (I don't live in the city) but what I consider a written attack on parents such as myself was enough for me to take my business elsewhere.

As I have said over and over again, I do not like being preached to about how I should parent or do anything for that matter. If someone chooses to cloth diaper then great for them. I did it for a while and it ended up not being for me. My decision to use the extremely popular disposables does not mean that I don't consider the environment. My husband and I conserve energy, recycle A LOT, grow our own veggies, don't idle our cars, and do everything we can for our friend mother nature. To be accused of not being environmentally friendly because I use regular diapers is simply mean. To be accused of anything for any safe and normal parenting decision I make is unnecessary.

Why this blog post bothered me is because it is just another one of those issues that divide parents between the type that do one thing and the type that do another. cloth diapers vs disposables, Breast milk vs formula, homemade food vs jarred, cribs vs co-sleeping, crying vs no crying. I have seen posts and articles supporting one side or the other and while I have seen people very pro-cloth diapers, this was the first time I have ever seen someone actually get nasty in their attempt to sway someone to the other side.

Isn't parenting difficult enough without having to worry about whether or not you are being judged for the perfectly healthy and safe, normal decisions you are making for your children. Now I have to admit I am guilty of doing this myself when it comes to certain things and I plan to work on this because more and more I see things shared through social networking that made me aware that I may be making other people feel the way I feel when someone pushes a parenting style on me or insults mine in a round-a-bout way.

I thought about now going into all the parenting decisions I have made that are debatable but I chose not to because it doesn't matter. The fact is they are my decisions and they are safe, healthy, normal, and guess what, popular. Done and Done!

Sleep Learning

So you all probably want to know how Max's sleep learning is going. I have to say it has been a wonderful experience for me as I am learning so much about myself, Max, and parenting all together. I WISH I HAD READ THIS BOOK SOONER as it's about so much more than just sleeping!

My favorite paragraph in the book so far is this: "There are times in the course of your child's growth and development when he will be attempting to learn an important new skill and he'll feel some frustration in the process of that learning. Take crawling as an example. When children are on the brink of crawling, they often rock back and forth on their hands and knees, trying to get to a toy that's just out of reach. The baby cries and complains out of frustration. what's your first temptation? scoot the toy closer, or course, so he won't have to struggle. But what has he missed if you do this? an opportunity to feel a bit of frustration...which then leads to an idea:'well, maybe if I move my knee a little closer to my hand, I can reach my hand farther.' BINGO! Whether your child is learning to walk, tie a shoe, ride a bike, or do math homework, each time your child struggles, it's going to be tempting to jump in and rescue him. But when you do this, you are actually preventing him from learning for himself what he can do to alleviate his frustration - in other words, learning the skill that will help him grow and develop as a human being."

This was the first time I have ever formally started and followed something through in an attempt to improve anything in my parenting. I always thought I would rather take my chances that I may get to sleep all night or that it would be easier to just get him back to sleep and get what sleep I can get. I didn't realize how worth it it would be to buckle down for a few nights to help us both sleep better and be happier.

So here is how it went:

night one (Monday). Unfortunately this night got off to a bad start as I had to go out for a commitment at the preschool and I am always the one to put Max to bed. So making changes to this bedtime routine was going to be tough. However, Guy put Max into his bed awake, which he is usually OK with, but without mommy there, Max had a meltdown. He was inconsolable for about 40 minutes when he finally fell asleep. Max then got up at 1am. I went in after 5 minutes and checked in on him. of course, seeing me and me not picking him up as I usually do made him very angry. I then did my check in's every 10 minutes until he finally fell asleep 40 minutes later. At my second to last check in, I moved the fan from Anna's room into his for white noise. This may have worked :). I then set my alarm clock for 3am and went in to give him his bottle (5 ounces) but he refused it so I put him back to bed and didn't hear from him again until 7:30am. So to recap: one wake up, 40 minutes of self soothing with lots of tears, no night snack!

night two (Tuesday). Tonight I decided to move his bedtime routine to his room while Anna had special time with daddy in the basement. I read Max some stories, gave him his bottle, and talked to him about what we were going to do tonight. I then put him in his bed WIDE awake. He rolled over and took a few minutes (with no tears) to settle but he was eventually out like a light. I then didn't hear from him until 2:20am. He whined for about 30 minutes but because he wasn't really crying, I didn't check in on him because I know that would have really upset him. I actually even fell back asleep while he was still awake. My alarm then went off at 3am and while I was making his bottle I realized he was still awake. I went back to bed and waited for him to fall back asleep. When i was sure he was asleep I went in and gave him his bottle. He drank it (4 ounces) and went back to his bed until 7:30am. So to recap: one wake up, 40 minutes of self soothing with minimal tears and no check in's, one night snack!

night three (Wednesday). Bedtime routine was same as last night but I could tell he wasn't as happy. When i put him down he protested for about 5 minutes and then rolled over and went to sleep. I messed up tonight. I forgot to set my alarm clock for 3am for his bottle and he slept all the way through until 4am when he wanted it. Unfortunately in order to maintain consistency I had to wait until he fell back asleep before I could give it to him so as to not send him mixed messages. This seemed like forever but was actually only about 10 minutes. However, he was not fully asleep and woke when i entered his room. I gave him the bottle anyways and am desperately hoping I didn't ruin the progress we made so far. So to recap: no wake ups until 4am (bc I was silly and forgot to set my alarm), one night snack! Had I not forgot my alarm we would have had a perfect night on the routine.

night four (Thursday). Bedtime routine was same as last night. When put in his bed, Max protested for a minute or two but then quickly fell asleep. I set my alarm clock for 3am fed Max his 4oz bottle and then didn't hear from him again until 7:30. a perfect night for Max. Now if only Anna had not gotten up twice.

night five (Friday). bedtime routine same as night before with a small protest. I ended up waking up because of Anna and my stuffy nose and I heard that Max was awake. He never cried but I could hear him awake for a while. Max cried a but around 2:30 but quickly fell asleep. I set my alarm for 3am, fed him is 3oz bottle and we both went back to sleep.

I was hoping that I could now tell you that he sleeps through the night. end of story. Unfortunately Max is more complicated than that. He also woke up this morning with a cold and so far, as of 8:30pm tonight, has woken up crying 3 times. Therefore I assume tonight will be a giant step backwards.

But we'll see. Maybe he'll surprise me!

Monday, March 28, 2011

My A-Ha moment!

I have skimmed a few sleep training books since having Anna 3 years ago. I have read what I thought was important and I have taken advice from moms about what worked for them. Now on my second child, I have tried "training" him as I did with Anna. Nothing is working. I have never been in the no-cry camp and I admit that I let Anna Cry it Out (CIO) one night for hours but after trying the CIO approach with Max and it failing I decided that I was not in the CIO camp enough to let him do it over and over again. So I was stuck. I don't want him to cry but I don't want to get up multiple times a night giving in to his demands. I decided to invest my time and money on a book with good reviews.

Now I am aware that sleep "training" is controversial. Dr. Ferber is who he is because millions of people "Ferberize" their kids (a word that I hate because it sounds so institutional considering we are talking about small babies) and equally millions of people don't believe in allowing kids to cry at all for any reason. I sit in the middle. I think a certain amount of crying teaches kids to be tough, independent humans and I think parents can allow kids to cry on a certain level and actually be doing them some good. One thing about me as a person and a mom is I don't like being preached to by anyone who refuses to see the other side and who judges anyone for trying something that millions of people do. I think that all parents should try and do what works for them without being pressured or influences by anyone who strongly believes that their way is the right way.

So that being said, here is "my way" take it or leave it. but I think it sounds like a good balance and am trusting it will work.

Enter the SleepEasy Solution. I bought this book on my kindle last night and can't put it down. In fact it is ironic that I am reading a book to help us all sleep better and I read it until after 11pm last night. So far, this is the best investment I have made and I haven't even really implemented anything yet. But only 3 chapters in and I have had several A-Ha moments, as Oprah would say. What makes this book perfect for me is that it teaches a "Least Cry" method of sleep learning (not training, learning). It notes right off the bat that any change is going to involve frustration and upset on the child's part and that this comes with tears. However it does not promote the Scream it out method that, while usually effective, is somewhat traumatizing on a small child. (Hello, 2 pages in and I want to go smother Anna with hugs for putting her through that).

My first A-ha moment was that no 2 kids are alike, even if they are parented the same by the same people. Max and Anna couldn't be any different in terms of sleep. My husband and I could have a party in Anna's room and she would sleep through it while as soon as Max's door opens, he pops up and looks around.

My second A-ha moment was about falling asleep in one places/position and waking up in another. the example she used is if we fell asleep on the couch and woke up in bed, wouldn't that freak us out. I realized that while we had a consistent bedtime routine, Max was always falling asleep in my arms downstairs. This makes perfect sense to me as I reflected on Anna's naps. Daddy often would fall asleep with her (he likes his naps) but then leave half way through. Anna would then wake up screaming "My Daddy" because he was there when she fell asleep but not what she woke up. A-ha!!!! from tonight on, Max has his evening bottle in his room and will be staying awake until he is in is resting place for the night.

My next A-ha moment was about having distractions in the room/crib. The author talked about how babies will wake slightly and then should be able to fall back asleep (well, that's the goal anyways) but if there is anything that will knock them fully awake then problems arise. Max has 2 stuffed bears in his bed. They sit at the end by his feet yet when he wakes up at night, I usually find him head side down flailing the bears around. Maybe a distraction, maybe not, but those bears are sleeping on the floor tonight.

So far, my final A-ha moment was about feeding early in the morning. I always said that after 5 I would feed him. then that was after 4. and every night it got earlier and earlier. this theory made sense to me but seeing it in writing in a professional book was the kick in the pants I needed to start weaning Max off that feed.

So where do I go from here? tonight I start implementing what I have learned. When Max wakes and cries I will go in, not go too close and calmly tell him I am here, I love him and he needs to go to sleep. I will then leave. If in 5 minutes he is still crying I will go back and tell him again and leave. then 10 minutes I will go in if he is still crying and tell him again. Then I will wait 15 minutes... until he falls asleep. I will not simply close the door and abandon him. I will do this every time he wakes. Then I will set my alarm clock for 3 am and wake him up for a feed. I will feed him 5 ounces (last night he had 6). then put him back. I will then cut this feed down by an ounce every night until its all gone.

The only thing I implemented last night when he got up at 12pm and then again at 2am. I rocked him to sleep both times. At 2am, after I got him to sleep I put him down and went and made his bottle (it was 3am at this point) I then went back, gentle woke him, gave him the bottle and he slept till 7:30!! he hasn't done that in months! I did not give him the bottle as a result of the crying. I hope his little brain registered that :).

The key to this method is to be consistent and only respond to his wake up's with a calm reassurance that I love him but to not touch him or snuggle him and certainly not to feed him. Considering Max could be a poster child for the issues that created this book, I am hoping he will also be a poster child for the success of it. The book says it should take an average of 5 nights to achieve 12 hours of sleep and that the first night may be an hour of crying but that's it. Here's hoping! I will let you know how it plays out at the end of the week!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Professional Parent?

As a teenager I always wanted to work with kids. I essentially grew up at summer camp and ended up working at one. This, I thought, was my calling. So in 1999, after high school I registered for the Child and Youth Worker diploma program in college. 5 semesters in to a 6 semester program and I was having doubts. I was struggling through a placement where I thought my supervisor was the biggest B**** I had ever met and I had developed a fear that if I spent all day with someone Else's kids I would not want to spend the rest of the time with my own. As we all know, Kids are exhausting! I decided that I would likely not take this career path but at least my three years of school and countless years of experience would make me a perfect, essentially professional, parent. If I could handle children and teenagers with ADD, Autism, FAS, and countless other mental health issues then surely I can handle perfectly normal, healthy babies, toddlers, preschoolers, children, turn teenagers, right? WRONG! I have learned that nothing prepares you for parenting your own offspring! and I am only at the beginning of the preschooler stage!

Everyone told me that the threes were so much worse than the twos. In hindsight, the twos weren't that bad for us but Anna definitely tested my limits and patience. I thought "phewf, I survived!" I had no idea the three's would be an even bigger test of my limits and patience! Yesterday, I sat in the playroom with a cup of tea and lots of tears. I had to cancel a haircut for Anna because while Max and I sat with out coats on at the door, Anna ran around the house in her underwear. This was just one of many "moments" during the day and only one of many "moments" when Anna has refused to go or come anywhere with me. She certainly is a stubborn woman. Hmmmm, I wonder where that comes from?


What brought me to tears yesterday was not her actions because I do know she is only three and just learning how to be her own independant self but rather my inability to deal with the situation without losing my temper. Generally I am good at remaining calm but lately I have been losing my mind with the fact that I cannot reason with a three year old. I am unproud to admit that I have raised my voice so loud she has cried. I have gotten so frustrated with being unable to just talk my way out of any episode with her. I have even stooped to the level of bribery but that, unfortunately, doesn't even work anymore. When It comes to getting out the door, either of our house, preschool, the store, or cheeky monkeys, I either have to play the "ok, I'll leave without you" card, or carry her kicking and screaming. I often feel the eyes burning through my head as I leave her alone in public (safely of course) or carry her screaming body, or yell at her sternly about her behaviour. These issues combined with Max's poor sleeping and my frustration towards him at night make me feel like a bad parent and especially a bad child and youth worker.

Yesterday I finally realized why this was all bothering me so much. I looked at it from the perspective that Dentists should have perfect teeth, Accountants should have perfect finances, Child and Youth Workers should have perfect kids. Then I was reminded that many accountants commit fraud and isn't it always the preachers kid that ends up drunk at a party?! And lets not forget the law-abiding law enforcement officers we hear about. lol.


So I start over. I stop seeing Max and Anna as "clients". I stop trying to fix all of Anna's preschooler behaviours. I stop trying to solve Max's sleep issues. I start going with the flow. I start seeing them as the perfectly normal, healthy children that they are. I start being the loving parent I know I am. I stop trying to be a perfect, professional parent and just be the best mom I can be to my wonderful kids!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

3 years down!

Today is a special day! Today is the anniversary of the day my life changed. Today is Annabelle's 3rd birthday! I cannot believe my princess is 3.

Annabelle March, 2008!


Annabelle March, 2011


Yesterday morning I dropped Anna off at my parents house for a sleep over. This meant that I had 2 days by myself with Max. Now I know that having a baby is tough stuff but it is a holiday compared to having a preschooler. Yup I said it, Anna is officially a preschooler!Max and I went on a lunch date, I cleaned the inside of my car, I watched something on TV other than Dora or Ariel, I went to the mall with a child who sat quietly in a stroller. I kindof remembered what my life was like 3 years ago. And while I enjoyed the opportunity to complete some tasks without preschooler "help", I also realized that my life was boring without her.

So today on her 3rd birthday I look back on the past three years. I remember how Anna has changed from a helpless newborn who needed me to provide her every necessity of life to an amazingly vocal and independant three year old who goes to the bathroom by herself and gets her own snacks. A beautiful young girl who goes to preschool and has learned to colour a picture not just scribble on a page.

I have enjoyed watching Anna grow and learn. Helping her develop her skills is my greatest accomplishment. Today I remember her infant and toddler years and look ahead to the years to come.

Happy 3rd Birthday Annabelle! Mommy Loves you!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

For the love of Kids.

Today I did something that 5 years ago I never thought I would ever have to do. I pulled poop out of my sons bum! Yup, its true, pulled his legs up to his chest, massaged his abdomen and slowly pulled a turd out of his bum. Why did I do this you may ask? Because He is my son, I love him, and he was uncomfortable. Even sadder is that this was not the first time I have ever done this. Last year my 2 year old, crawled in to her bed before bath (naked) and appeared as though she was going to sleep until I looked closer and what I thought was sleepy eyes was actually squinting, trying to poop eyes. I turned her over and saw a log that was at least the diameter of a loonie stuck in her bum. This was when i learned the art of massaging poop out of a bum. I had success and a very happy girl.

So why am I sharing all this information? Because its important for all people who plan on having kids to realize that with kids, comes poop and barf and many other gross things that without kids, you would never come in contact with. I remember an incident that occurred years before having kids in which my Sister in law was staying with us and her youngest who was about 18 months at the time was very constipated. So constipated that she was getting sick. Sparing you of details, I will just say that it ended with her pooping, barfing, and peeing all at the same time all over her mom and my brand new beige couch. As a person who loves kids, especially my family, I was not even close to mad but I was naive into thinking this would never be something I would ever have to deal with.

A few months ago, on my anniversary, to be exact, I posted on Facebook that I was covered in baby barf and it smelled awful. A lovely old college friend suggested I change my shirt. I laughed. With 2 very pukey kids, I was very use to being covered in baby barf. So use to it that I only wore "good" clothes if I was going to see people and said "good" clothes were actually clothes that I didn't care if I ruined and definitely not anything that required hand washing. Hand wash only clothes were considered as sacred as a wedding dress to only be worn to something as special as my own wedding.

With baby M now in his 9th month (seriously, I know), I am happy to finally be moving to a less barfy life. However, today's incident reminded me that Just because that stage has passed a new gross one will start. With solid food comes constipation; With potty trained kids, comes bum wiping; With cold weather comes snot; With teething comes drool, with inevitable illness comes diarrhea and real people barf. And lets not forget with diapers and squirmy babies comes pee and poo.

With children comes never ending access to someone else's bodily fluids. Yahhhh!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Who's Child is this?

So today I had one of my scariest mom moments when I became "that mom" who lost her child in a store. We were happily playing in the childrens area and when I was getting ready to pack up and leave I realized she had left. I had just seen her pushing a stroller around and then she was gone. When I approached a group of staff right outside the entrance to the childrens area I must have appeared inappropriately calm but I was kindof in shock. Anna has always been such a great kid that I couldn't believe she had run away. Everyone within ear shot came running and started looking for her. This made me panic even more as I realized how dangerous this situation could be. Chapters is a HUGE store. When i saw the stroller she had been pushing sitting abandoned in an aisle my heart sank. this is what you see on TV when kids go missing. Then we heard from afar a loud "I found her". My dear friend, Anna's godmother, who I was with had located the rascal running through aisles of books playing her version of hide and seek, also known as lets see how scared my mommy can get before before she finds me. I ran up to her, tears welling up in my eyes and grabbed her in hopes of explaining the impact this situation had on me and all I got was screaming and squirms as she was clearly not finished with the game. I could feel the eyes burning through the back of my head and imagined people thinking that my child is out of control and I am a irresponsible mom.

The exact opposite is in fact true. My child is the most thoughtful, generous, polite, well behaved child I have ever encountered. Now granted, I could have kept a closer eye on her but her track record as a dream child is why I didn't. Pretty much the same reason why I lost my dog so many times, I trusted that he wouldn't run away and then he would. Apparently 3 year old are more like young labs that one would think.

This is the 3rd unproud moment Anna and I have had in a week. Last friday we met some friends at Cheeky Monkeys and all was well until it was time to leave. I ended up carrying her out in a tee-shirt kicking and screaming. This was the first time I actually used the dreaded mom line "I was so embarrased by your behaviour". I then spent the next hour analyzing my parenting and questioning how I handled the situation and how to better handle it when it happens again. Nothing makes you question your parenting more than a tantrum in front of other people.

I realize now that it isn't so much embarrassment as it is sadness. Sadness because people get the wrong impression of Anna and because I have to do some difficult parenting in front of people who may judge both of us. I know that 3 year olds are unpredictable and still kids, regardless of how well behaved they may be. I also know that parenting is not always sunshine and roses and that most moms may look at these situations with understanding rather than judgement. But it still makes me think Who's child is this? I want everyone to see my wonderful little human. Apparently even the most wonderful humans have their flaws and my daughters appears to be her stubbornness when it comes to getting what she wants. Hmmm, I wonder who she gets that from?

Anna and I:

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

OMG I am dating again!

Now that I have declared that, I must clarify before the rumour mill starts swirling with stories of my divorce. I am not dating men, I am still happily married. I have come to realize that I am dating moms! Let me Explain.

Last week I had a playdate with a girl that I met last summer. She has a daughter also named Anna and a son the same age as Max. I met her at a playdate thrown by a mutual friend. We became facebook friends not soon after that and have chatted on Facebook ever since. We decided last week to have a playdate with the mutual friend who introduced us and I can honestly say that when we first got together I had that new boyfriend nervous feeling which quickly passed as we engaged in Mom talk. Through this conversation we discovered that I am essentially dating mom's in an attempt to find my momfriend (my play on the word boyfriend)!

A year and a half ago, we moved to a new town which is about 45 minutes from Ottawa. I got pregnant almost immediately and was on Mat leave 9 months after moving here. I have a lot of friends who I love to see. Some are on mat leave themselves or stay at home moms but they live in the city. I make an effort to drive to the city and see them but it becomes an event with 2 kids and it usually means I have to sacrifice naptime as they sleep in the car. Therefore I am doing my best to meet new moms out here in the country. Which brings me to my dating!

My bestest friends from high school and our plethora of kids:


I never really dated boys. I went from one long relationship to my husband. I had a few dates in between but mostly with people who I was already friends with. I am now learning that dating is stressful and time consuming. So in my new dating now, I have traded bars and sporting events for playgrounds, skating rinks, and bookstores. I am on the hunt for someone who I have lots in common with, who has kids the same age as mine, and who doesn't already have their own momfriend. Shouldn't be hard to find right? Wrong! I have met many wonderful moms through Anna's school, At the playground, on my street, At the skating rink, even at Chapters but they either already have their own momfriend, live in the city, have older kids then mine, or we just didn't click on our (play)dates. I even did something I have never done before and gave my contact information to a mom I met at Chapters who is new to the area and lives in a neighbouring town but I am yet to get contacted. It appears I got rejected but I had to take a chance :(


I wonder if I will ever find my momfriend. In the book I am reading right now the mom talks about how she met her best friend while they were on Mat leave and I had my sigh moment as even the character in my book has a momfriend. Now for all reading I want to be sure to state that I enjoy the many friends I have made and will plan many more playdates for the next 5 months before heading back to work. But I think they would all agree, that while we are friends, some closer than others, we are not momfriend and momfriend (boyfriend and girlfriend, haha get it!)

15 lbs too heavy and still happy!

So all my posts have basically been about my kids. This one is ALL ABOUT ME! In my last post, I declared that I would lose 15 lbs! I stand by that and my husband has challenges me. He said that since I wrote it, I needed to do it! So here I go!

In 2005 I successfully completed weight watchers. Its a great program and if you stick to it, it can really work. it took me 3 months or so to lose 20 lbs and I kept it off for several months to become a life member. Unfortunately, I was super extreme and cut out anything with any ounce of badness in it so it was no surprise that I put some weight back on. After having Anna, i successfully did it again so i figure now I should jump on the bandwagon again. With the advice of a good virtual friend, I bought the App IWATCHR for my iphone. It eliminates the need of pen and paper for tracking food and, since I am very familiar with the program already, it eliminates the need to actually join and pay.

Anyways, for the past few weeks, I have really changed my eating habits. I also still go and see my personal trainer once a week which, while not really enough to drop several pounds a week, is enough to help my energy level, strength, and general well being. And let me tell you the effect that treating your body well can have on your mental and physical health.

We are almost through winter and I am yet to get sick! Knock on a million pieces of wood but its true, not even so much as a stuffy nose. My hair is nice and shiny and I feel so energized despite not getting a full nights sleep in almost a year. Despite, having 15 lbs to lose, bags under my eyes, and crazy stretch marks on my stomach, I feel good!

My husband and I were talking about why I haven't gotten sick yet this winter and he asked me if I am stressed and after thinking about it a bit, I said No. You know how they say laughter is the best medicine, well I think kids are the best prevention. Both my kids and my husband have gotten colds and yet I have managed to miss it (although after declaring that I am sure tomorrow I will be down and out). Despite my lack of sleep and the bad mommy days, I don't feel stressed at all. It seems that if I may be getting to my breaking point, Anna says something adorable or Max gives me a cute smile and I am back.

I am not exactly sure where this post is going, but my husband said last night that I needed to make one because he likes reading them. I am going to weigh myself tonight at my personal training session so i will update you next Tuesday after I weigh myself again. My goal is to lose at least 6-9 lbs by the time I go on my trip in February.

The lesson here is eat well, exercise even just a little and avoid stress for a happy healthier you!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I am a good mom!

Raising kids is the hardest thing I have ever done! it is also the most complicated thing I have ever done because everyone does it differently and everyone is sure that they way they are doing it is the right way. It has taken me 3 years to realize this but if kids are happy, safe, and healthy, then they are being raised right, regardless of how.

I have always been hard on myself about my parenting. I would constantly compare my kids development to that of other kids and my parenting to other moms. Anna didn't crawl for 10 months while her friends crawled around 6 or 7 months. I thought for sure it was my fault! I thought I had stalled her development because I didn't play with her enough. Well, I am happy to report that she now crawls and walks, rolls, jumps, runs, counts, sings, colours, says please and thank you and countless other wonderful things that kids her age should do. I am also happy to report that she can play independently by herself and sit through entire movies. Now before you all roll your eyes as me, i am well aware that she has flaws such as was mentioned in my past post and the fact that she takes several trips back to her bed before she goes to sleep. But all in all, I have come to realize that not only did I not break her, I actually made her stronger!

One of my facebook friends posted a link to this article: http://arts.nationalpost.com/2011/01/22/spoiled-vs-spoiled-the-parenting-debate/ and I realized that just because my infants sit in swings and play in exersaucers doesn't mean I am a bad parent and doesn't mean that I am unusual. They will also likely come home to an empty house as teenagers just as I did. The line in this article that really caught my attention was this:
So leaving the tot in another room becomes “unfair.” And once the baby has aged into a walking, talking child, is it any wonder that he’s grown so used to being the bull’s-eye of attention, that any style of parenting other than the kind that permanently hovers...becomes near impossible? The overparenting parent becomes a fait accompli.
My infants played or swung independently while I cooked and baked. My infants sat in carseats when they weren't in the car. My infants slept in cribs from birth. My infants cried as a way to learn to self sooth. And my infants were, and still are, very happy and very independant.

I have also become self conscious about the fact that I keep a house that is unusually clean given that I have 2 children. Much like some people would clean up for company, I have sometimes wanted to clean down so that my house reflects the fun we have in it. I have heard lately several friends make comments about their houses being messy and unkept but their kids being happy and played with. Almost like they feel the need to justify it (which you don't by the way) and they may be surprised to know that as a result they have given me the same feeling for the opposite reason. I have felt like a bad mom for folding laundry while helping Anna with a puzzle, or putting on a movie so i can clean the bathrooms, or teaching Anna that when you are finished you bring your plate to the table if you want dessert. When Anna sees me get out the broom and drops what she is doing so that she can "help mommy" it made me wonder if she thinks the only way she gets to spend time with me is by helping me with chores. It took me some reasoning within myself to realize that she is my daughter, with my genes and maybe she likes to clean. At her daycare they loved her because she was the only one who voluntarily helped clean up (that's my girl). I do something with my kids every day; We usually go on an outing, sometimes we stay home and craft or play with toys but for the record, to all my readers, I do not clean all day!

Anyways, I hope i didn't offend anyone, as that was exactly the point I was trying not to make. That everyone lives and parents different. There is no right or wrong method to parenting as long as kids are happy, healthy and safe.

Friday, January 21, 2011

I am how old?

A few weeks back I had the pleasure of spending an hour getting my hair cut by an old high school friend. While we caught up, she casually mentioned that her new husband was 30 and she was 31. I Crooked my head and looked at her with confusion. She was 31? I thought we were the same age? She looked at me, equally confused, and then reminded me that I was also 31, in fact I was even older than her. (kudos to her for remembering when my birthday was after almost 12 years of not seeing each other). Holy Crap, I thought I was still 30! It seems as though I stopped counting at 30. Am I really old enough to forget my age. This realization opened my eyes about not being 30 anymore but rather in my 30's. I officially need to start aging gracefully.

For the past few months I have been getting a bit down about my appearance. I thought it was because I weigh about 30 lbs more than i did 5 years ago but I think it is because I am older than I was 5 years ago, I have 2 kids, I work harder, sleep less, and I weigh about 30 lbs more.

Me 5 years ago:


I guess I need to stop living in the past and start working with what I have. While I still intend on losing 15 lbs, I need to stop thinking that if I lose the weight all my beauty issues will be resolved because the fact is that even if I lose the weight, I will still have the bags under my eyes, wrinkles in my forehead, stretch marks on my belly, grey hair (that i don't have yet, but its just a matter of time), and dry skin. So I can no longer get away with a lackluster beauty routine. hello moisturizers, toners, face masks, hair dye ~ you will be a part of my life for the next 70 years.

Yes, you counted right, I am going to live past 100...and look good doing it.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

All in a days work

Lately I have been feeling guilty about wanting to spend time by myself on the weekends or in the evening. I always feel the need to justify wanting to go to the mall on a Saturday for a few hours or go grocery shopping by myself. My husband has never told me I cannot do something but sometimes I think he wonders why I want or need to and that makes me feel guilty. I feel as though I should want to be around my kids all the time and if staying at home with our kids is my job then is it really fair of me to expect him to do my job when he comes home from his. I have thought about this a lot lately.

I think I found my answers in the fact that I have experienced both being a working parent and a stay at home parent. So dad's, pay attention because I am comfortable with saying that these points likely go for most stay at home moms. I have based my opinions on my experience so as to avoid being accused of making assumptions.

When I went to work, I would do my hair, wear makeup, and dress nice everyday and people saw me. As a stay at home mom, I do shower everyday and sometimes I wear jeans instead of jogging pants and get to the blow dryer before my hair has already dried bad but it seems on days when i put effort into my appearance, either nobody sees me or I get puked on before 9am.

When I went to work, I got breaks and lunch where I could completely separate myself from work. If I needed to, I could run out for a coffee whenever I want. As a stay at home mom, my lunch is eating kid friendly food while feeding a baby with a toddler on my lap. When its over I usually have food all over me. I look forward to afternoon naps but it takes half an hour and a lot of effort to get both kids down and there is no guarantee that it will actually happen or for how long. And when it does happen, I spend that time preparing supper, cleaning things up, and/or folding laundry. Also, If I do activities or run errands, I risk missing nap time.

When i went to work I could easily run errands on my lunch. A quick trip to the store, bank, post office, or all three. As a stay at home mom, I avoid errands unless necessary. There is no longer such a thing as a quick trip. Loading and unloading 2 kids from car seats, stroller, diaper bag, purse. then I get into the institution I am visiting for my quick trip and someone needs to pee, or someone craps their pants, or I have to whip out my boob because someone needs to eat. By the time I am done my quick trip, I have been there almost an hour. And I would really have to be desperate to run multiple errands in one trip. One kid out, Two kids out, One kid in, two kids in, One kid out...you get the picture.

When I went to work I had decent conversations with other adults that made me smarter and kept me in tune with whats going on in the world. As a stay at home mom, the majority of my conversations are with a 3 year old who replies "Huh?" to almost every question I ask her. And when she doesn't reply "Huh?" I kind of wish she did because it would save me the trouble of trying to figure out what she is saying to me. As for whats going on in the world, well, I know what Dora has been up to today, does that count?

When I went to work, I had sick/personal days and vacation days. If I was under the weather or didn't sleep that night, I would send my kids to daycare and stay home to rest. As a stay at home mom, that just doesn't exist. Nursing a bad cold? still have to get up at 6am and parent. Kids kept you up all night? Oh well, still have to parent.

When I went to work, I simply got to leave the house. I got to eat out every once in a while. As a stay at home mom I sometimes don't leave the house and when I do it is usually to visit the same child filled places; playground, library, school. Because he goes to work, My husband is out of the house more than he is in and he eats out often enough that he doesn't want to go out at night or on weekends. This I understand, but man what I would give to eat a professional chef made meal that I didn't prepare and that I don't have to clean up after every once in a while.

When I went to work I left my work at 5pm and lived for Fridays. As a stay at home mom, my work never leaves. This is where I have been confused about expectations of husbands. I know my husband works hard and its not that I want him to come home and take over for me or that I think he should, its just that husbands need to understand the monotony of our jobs. When your at work job stresses you out, you come home. that change is often enough to ease tension. Stay at home moms don't have that change.



Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love having the opportunity to be home with them and watch them grow and learn. I love staying in my PJ's reading books in bed until 9am. I also love having adequate time to prepare good wholesome meals. I love having a clean house and clean laundry and not worrying about doing either task on the weekends. But its tiring. Regardless of how much someone loves their job, a change of pace is always necessary. A change of scenery. A change of company.

In 5 months I go back to work and that is bittersweet. I love both lives. I love having some Independence; some time without a baby on my hip and a toddler pulling on my arm but I also love getting big baby smiles all day and helping someone learn their colours and letters.

So when I say that I need to go to the mall on Saturday sans kids its not because I like being away from them or even that I think being with them is hard work, its simply that I need a change. I need to do something other than puzzles, crafts, and colouring. I need to not forget to take care of me as well as them.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"Mommy Cried for Grandpa Ray"

Almost 4 and a half years ago one of the most important men in my life left me. My dad died while I held his hand and told him that he didn't need to hang on for me anymore.I told him it was ok to go and within minutes I watched him slip away at 1:30am on August 19th 2006. It was the saddest moment of my life. A moment I never thought I would have to live through at 27 years old. Yet it was a moment I would not change for the world and a moment I relive almost daily. My dad had been my hero. He was the kindest, most gentle man. He would do anything for me. On a valentines day when i was nursing a broken heart, He went out and bought me a dozen roses because he said he didn't know how else to make me feel better. I lived with him (just the 2 of us, kind of like roomies)for a couple years before he passed away and its safe to say he was my best friend.

Now I have 2 beautiful children and while my life is full of joy and love and laughter, there is still a hole because they will never know this wonderful man that I can only tell them about. I had the pleasure of seeing him love my dear niece Kayla who was only 2 months old when he died and it gives me a sense of comfort to know how he would have held and loved my kids too. But since he cannot do that I have to do the next best thing for them which is to teach them who he was and how much I love him and how much he loves them from heaven.

Now that Anna is turning 3 and able to understand things a bit more, I have decided to start teaching her about Grandpa Ray. With a picture of my dad and I proudly displayed in our living room, we have the opportunity to visit him frequently. She turned me into a bawling mess when she got up from the table at lunch one day and brought his picture over and said "I have lunch with Grandpa Ray" This was followed by "I hold onto Grandpa Ray" as she hugged the photo. A moment I happily caught on the camera.


This Christmas my children (and me) got the best gift ever from daddy. My husband had told me he got them a special gift but wouldn't tell me what. During our gift opening, I was brought to tears again as I helped Max and Anna open photo books for each of them all about Grandpa Ray. A beautiful book filled with happy memories of my dad and a story to go along with it. At this point in time that book means more to me than it does to them but I am happy they have something so special for when they understand more about who he is. I am grateful for such a thoughtful husband (who even made one for Kayla and mailed it to her) who appreciates how tragic it was for me to lose my dad and wants to help keep his spirit alive for our kids.


So at the age of 3, Anna wants to look at Grandpa Rays book everyday before nap and I, of course, cry. Anna rubs my back and says "Don't cry mommy" and then when daddy comes home she tells him "Mommy cried for Grandpa Ray".

Teaching them about Grandpa Ray may be the hardest thing I do. What I would give for just one more day with him and for them to have the opportunity to learn about him from him.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Whats in a Name?

So when you get pregnant you have nine months to name your child and an unlimited amount of baby name books. Apparently I need the same time and resources for naming my blog. So forgive me for changing it up as I try to find the perfect fit.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Clarity! Kids are Puzzles


What is a 4 letter word for complicated? BABY! Somebody recently said to me in passing that Children were like puzzles and this opened a whole new world of clarity for me. I have spent many days and nights trying to figure out how to "fix" Max. It just dawned on me that he didn't need to be fixed, he needed to just be figured out.

Kids cannot speak for the first year or 2 of their lives. Some parents are lucky enough to have babies who learn baby sign, some parents embark on elimination communication, and some parents try to learn the 5 cries of babies. But regardless of what tools they use, ALL parents are faced with the challenge of trying to figure out the puzzles that are our kids.

Max was definitely a more complicated infant than Anna. He has kept the wheels in my brain spinning. Why isn't he sleeping? Is it gas or a sore tummy? and what caused the gas and sore tummy? Is he teething? Is it his congestion? and how can we fix it? is he hungry? is he eating enough? when should he eat and how much? is he sleeping too much during the day? is he cold? AHHHHHHH. What are the answers!

Lately we have spent many conversations trying to figure out this specific puzzle. At least its a puzzle we can travel with. I mean even when we were snowboarding sans kids, we spent the whole time working on the puzzle. Apparently though it was worth it as on New years Eve of 2010 it appears we MAY have solved this puzzle. Its not the first New Years Eve I have spent doing puzzles (Blush).

We think we found the answer in that he was stuck on his routine of eating at night and not during the day. I say think as I don't want to jinx it and I still go to bed at night with the expectation that it may be a rough night. After all, we all know that when one puzzle is finished a new one is started.

before I know it he will turn 2 and I will be faced with the same puzzle I am working on with Anna right now. What is she saying and why is she crying?

Saturday, January 1, 2011

To Cry or Not to Sleep...That is the Question, Part 2.


As many of my facebook friends know, I have been battling Sleep Deprivation for a couple months now. My little man of 7 months has turned into a night owl and I am suffering through it. When I wrote Part one of this post, I was embarking on the controversial "Cry it Out" Method of sleep training. After all, Anna cried one night and that was it, she was fixed! With Max, We practised modified version of Crying it out for 3 days. Modified because I always went to see him and tried to sooth him. I had read that it was meaner to give in and pick them up after they had cried for so long because then they cried for nothing, but after 3 days, I had to pick him up. It broke my heart to hear him cry and it seemed I got more sleep when i went in and nursed him for 10 minutes and then when back to dreamland as opposed to lying in bed wide awake and waiting for him to fall back asleep.

This sleep issue has consumed our conversations much as it has consumed my facebook status. Teething, congestion, hunger, gas, heat...It had to be SOMETHING or, as it appeared to be, all of the above. Oye, How to fix all of the above. We gave Max Camilia, Hydrasense, Tylenol, Gripe water, a pillow, formula. We even called in the HVAC company to adjust the heat so his room was warmer than ours, nothing really changed to situation.

The biggest change I made was my decision to stop breastfeeding during the day (I will still nurse him at night if he gets up). This was about the time when Anna stopped breastfeeding and I always said I wanted to go to 6 months. In an effort to see if Max's issue was a need for more than my breastmilk, I decided to cut him off. After 6 months of being my sidekick (he wouldn't take a bottle ever since my mid-summer crisis when I gave up on him) I wasn't sure how he would react but he surprised me. And now, He is so cute when he sees the bottle and starts smiling and smacking his lips. However this did not fix the issue of him wanting to nurse every hour through the night until something clicked in my sleep deprived head.

Since Max was born I have been trying to remember things about Anna's infancy. When did she nap properly, When did she start a bedtime routine, when did she start a proper feeding routine. My suggestion to all new moms is MAKE NOTE! These things you will want to know for baby number 2. Since Max started solids, I have been lost about feeding routines as he never seemed hungry.

Well DUHHH, he is never hungry because he eats ALL NIGHT! It seemed my little night owl had mixed up his day and nights when it came to eating. So new year, new routine! last night he was cut off. no nursing until after 5 am. He got up at 10pm, was given a soother and went back to sleep. then he got up at 1am, whined for about 20 minutes and went back to sleep. Then at 6am he got some warm, fresh from the taps, breastmilk and actually ate an appropriate amount of food and formula throughout the day!

Here's hoping that 2011 brings us all more sleep.