OMG, did you see what she was wearing?

Today I came across a blog post and I want to share it to all my readers. Read into it what you want but I read it to be mean and the straw that broke this camels back.

So without further ado, here it is. It is a blog post written by the owner of the Extraordinary Baby Shoppe in Ottawa. I have never read her blog before today but I took this opportunity to read a few other things she has posted and well... lets just say I won't become a follower. http://extraordinarybabyshoppe.blogspot.com/2011/03/hello-i-would-like-little-clarification.html

The reason I was angry at this specific post was her choice to refer to parents who diaper their babies in disposable diapers as "parents who don't consider the environmental effect of single-use diapers" and her comment about "If they are going to gripe and moan about the mess they create, they had better be ready to pay for it!". Now if you read this post you will see that she is referring to the City of Ottawa's decision to switch to Bi-weekly garbage collection which is a topic that itself means nothing to me (I don't live in the city) but what I consider a written attack on parents such as myself was enough for me to take my business elsewhere.

As I have said over and over again, I do not like being preached to about how I should parent or do anything for that matter. If someone chooses to cloth diaper then great for them. I did it for a while and it ended up not being for me. My decision to use the extremely popular disposables does not mean that I don't consider the environment. My husband and I conserve energy, recycle A LOT, grow our own veggies, don't idle our cars, and do everything we can for our friend mother nature. To be accused of not being environmentally friendly because I use regular diapers is simply mean. To be accused of anything for any safe and normal parenting decision I make is unnecessary.

Why this blog post bothered me is because it is just another one of those issues that divide parents between the type that do one thing and the type that do another. cloth diapers vs disposables, Breast milk vs formula, homemade food vs jarred, cribs vs co-sleeping, crying vs no crying. I have seen posts and articles supporting one side or the other and while I have seen people very pro-cloth diapers, this was the first time I have ever seen someone actually get nasty in their attempt to sway someone to the other side.

Isn't parenting difficult enough without having to worry about whether or not you are being judged for the perfectly healthy and safe, normal decisions you are making for your children. Now I have to admit I am guilty of doing this myself when it comes to certain things and I plan to work on this because more and more I see things shared through social networking that made me aware that I may be making other people feel the way I feel when someone pushes a parenting style on me or insults mine in a round-a-bout way.

I thought about now going into all the parenting decisions I have made that are debatable but I chose not to because it doesn't matter. The fact is they are my decisions and they are safe, healthy, normal, and guess what, popular. Done and Done!

Sleep Learning

So you all probably want to know how Max's sleep learning is going. I have to say it has been a wonderful experience for me as I am learning so much about myself, Max, and parenting all together. I WISH I HAD READ THIS BOOK SOONER as it's about so much more than just sleeping!

My favorite paragraph in the book so far is this: "There are times in the course of your child's growth and development when he will be attempting to learn an important new skill and he'll feel some frustration in the process of that learning. Take crawling as an example. When children are on the brink of crawling, they often rock back and forth on their hands and knees, trying to get to a toy that's just out of reach. The baby cries and complains out of frustration. what's your first temptation? scoot the toy closer, or course, so he won't have to struggle. But what has he missed if you do this? an opportunity to feel a bit of frustration...which then leads to an idea:'well, maybe if I move my knee a little closer to my hand, I can reach my hand farther.' BINGO! Whether your child is learning to walk, tie a shoe, ride a bike, or do math homework, each time your child struggles, it's going to be tempting to jump in and rescue him. But when you do this, you are actually preventing him from learning for himself what he can do to alleviate his frustration - in other words, learning the skill that will help him grow and develop as a human being."

This was the first time I have ever formally started and followed something through in an attempt to improve anything in my parenting. I always thought I would rather take my chances that I may get to sleep all night or that it would be easier to just get him back to sleep and get what sleep I can get. I didn't realize how worth it it would be to buckle down for a few nights to help us both sleep better and be happier.

So here is how it went:

night one (Monday). Unfortunately this night got off to a bad start as I had to go out for a commitment at the preschool and I am always the one to put Max to bed. So making changes to this bedtime routine was going to be tough. However, Guy put Max into his bed awake, which he is usually OK with, but without mommy there, Max had a meltdown. He was inconsolable for about 40 minutes when he finally fell asleep. Max then got up at 1am. I went in after 5 minutes and checked in on him. of course, seeing me and me not picking him up as I usually do made him very angry. I then did my check in's every 10 minutes until he finally fell asleep 40 minutes later. At my second to last check in, I moved the fan from Anna's room into his for white noise. This may have worked :). I then set my alarm clock for 3am and went in to give him his bottle (5 ounces) but he refused it so I put him back to bed and didn't hear from him again until 7:30am. So to recap: one wake up, 40 minutes of self soothing with lots of tears, no night snack!

night two (Tuesday). Tonight I decided to move his bedtime routine to his room while Anna had special time with daddy in the basement. I read Max some stories, gave him his bottle, and talked to him about what we were going to do tonight. I then put him in his bed WIDE awake. He rolled over and took a few minutes (with no tears) to settle but he was eventually out like a light. I then didn't hear from him until 2:20am. He whined for about 30 minutes but because he wasn't really crying, I didn't check in on him because I know that would have really upset him. I actually even fell back asleep while he was still awake. My alarm then went off at 3am and while I was making his bottle I realized he was still awake. I went back to bed and waited for him to fall back asleep. When i was sure he was asleep I went in and gave him his bottle. He drank it (4 ounces) and went back to his bed until 7:30am. So to recap: one wake up, 40 minutes of self soothing with minimal tears and no check in's, one night snack!

night three (Wednesday). Bedtime routine was same as last night but I could tell he wasn't as happy. When i put him down he protested for about 5 minutes and then rolled over and went to sleep. I messed up tonight. I forgot to set my alarm clock for 3am for his bottle and he slept all the way through until 4am when he wanted it. Unfortunately in order to maintain consistency I had to wait until he fell back asleep before I could give it to him so as to not send him mixed messages. This seemed like forever but was actually only about 10 minutes. However, he was not fully asleep and woke when i entered his room. I gave him the bottle anyways and am desperately hoping I didn't ruin the progress we made so far. So to recap: no wake ups until 4am (bc I was silly and forgot to set my alarm), one night snack! Had I not forgot my alarm we would have had a perfect night on the routine.

night four (Thursday). Bedtime routine was same as last night. When put in his bed, Max protested for a minute or two but then quickly fell asleep. I set my alarm clock for 3am fed Max his 4oz bottle and then didn't hear from him again until 7:30. a perfect night for Max. Now if only Anna had not gotten up twice.

night five (Friday). bedtime routine same as night before with a small protest. I ended up waking up because of Anna and my stuffy nose and I heard that Max was awake. He never cried but I could hear him awake for a while. Max cried a but around 2:30 but quickly fell asleep. I set my alarm for 3am, fed him is 3oz bottle and we both went back to sleep.

I was hoping that I could now tell you that he sleeps through the night. end of story. Unfortunately Max is more complicated than that. He also woke up this morning with a cold and so far, as of 8:30pm tonight, has woken up crying 3 times. Therefore I assume tonight will be a giant step backwards.

But we'll see. Maybe he'll surprise me!

My A-Ha moment!

I have skimmed a few sleep training books since having Anna 3 years ago. I have read what I thought was important and I have taken advice from moms about what worked for them. Now on my second child, I have tried "training" him as I did with Anna. Nothing is working. I have never been in the no-cry camp and I admit that I let Anna Cry it Out (CIO) one night for hours but after trying the CIO approach with Max and it failing I decided that I was not in the CIO camp enough to let him do it over and over again. So I was stuck. I don't want him to cry but I don't want to get up multiple times a night giving in to his demands. I decided to invest my time and money on a book with good reviews.

Now I am aware that sleep "training" is controversial. Dr. Ferber is who he is because millions of people "Ferberize" their kids (a word that I hate because it sounds so institutional considering we are talking about small babies) and equally millions of people don't believe in allowing kids to cry at all for any reason. I sit in the middle. I think a certain amount of crying teaches kids to be tough, independent humans and I think parents can allow kids to cry on a certain level and actually be doing them some good. One thing about me as a person and a mom is I don't like being preached to by anyone who refuses to see the other side and who judges anyone for trying something that millions of people do. I think that all parents should try and do what works for them without being pressured or influences by anyone who strongly believes that their way is the right way.

So that being said, here is "my way" take it or leave it. but I think it sounds like a good balance and am trusting it will work.

Enter the SleepEasy Solution. I bought this book on my kindle last night and can't put it down. In fact it is ironic that I am reading a book to help us all sleep better and I read it until after 11pm last night. So far, this is the best investment I have made and I haven't even really implemented anything yet. But only 3 chapters in and I have had several A-Ha moments, as Oprah would say. What makes this book perfect for me is that it teaches a "Least Cry" method of sleep learning (not training, learning). It notes right off the bat that any change is going to involve frustration and upset on the child's part and that this comes with tears. However it does not promote the Scream it out method that, while usually effective, is somewhat traumatizing on a small child. (Hello, 2 pages in and I want to go smother Anna with hugs for putting her through that).

My first A-ha moment was that no 2 kids are alike, even if they are parented the same by the same people. Max and Anna couldn't be any different in terms of sleep. My husband and I could have a party in Anna's room and she would sleep through it while as soon as Max's door opens, he pops up and looks around.

My second A-ha moment was about falling asleep in one places/position and waking up in another. the example she used is if we fell asleep on the couch and woke up in bed, wouldn't that freak us out. I realized that while we had a consistent bedtime routine, Max was always falling asleep in my arms downstairs. This makes perfect sense to me as I reflected on Anna's naps. Daddy often would fall asleep with her (he likes his naps) but then leave half way through. Anna would then wake up screaming "My Daddy" because he was there when she fell asleep but not what she woke up. A-ha!!!! from tonight on, Max has his evening bottle in his room and will be staying awake until he is in is resting place for the night.

My next A-ha moment was about having distractions in the room/crib. The author talked about how babies will wake slightly and then should be able to fall back asleep (well, that's the goal anyways) but if there is anything that will knock them fully awake then problems arise. Max has 2 stuffed bears in his bed. They sit at the end by his feet yet when he wakes up at night, I usually find him head side down flailing the bears around. Maybe a distraction, maybe not, but those bears are sleeping on the floor tonight.

So far, my final A-ha moment was about feeding early in the morning. I always said that after 5 I would feed him. then that was after 4. and every night it got earlier and earlier. this theory made sense to me but seeing it in writing in a professional book was the kick in the pants I needed to start weaning Max off that feed.

So where do I go from here? tonight I start implementing what I have learned. When Max wakes and cries I will go in, not go too close and calmly tell him I am here, I love him and he needs to go to sleep. I will then leave. If in 5 minutes he is still crying I will go back and tell him again and leave. then 10 minutes I will go in if he is still crying and tell him again. Then I will wait 15 minutes... until he falls asleep. I will not simply close the door and abandon him. I will do this every time he wakes. Then I will set my alarm clock for 3 am and wake him up for a feed. I will feed him 5 ounces (last night he had 6). then put him back. I will then cut this feed down by an ounce every night until its all gone.

The only thing I implemented last night when he got up at 12pm and then again at 2am. I rocked him to sleep both times. At 2am, after I got him to sleep I put him down and went and made his bottle (it was 3am at this point) I then went back, gentle woke him, gave him the bottle and he slept till 7:30!! he hasn't done that in months! I did not give him the bottle as a result of the crying. I hope his little brain registered that :).

The key to this method is to be consistent and only respond to his wake up's with a calm reassurance that I love him but to not touch him or snuggle him and certainly not to feed him. Considering Max could be a poster child for the issues that created this book, I am hoping he will also be a poster child for the success of it. The book says it should take an average of 5 nights to achieve 12 hours of sleep and that the first night may be an hour of crying but that's it. Here's hoping! I will let you know how it plays out at the end of the week!

A Professional Parent?

As a teenager I always wanted to work with kids. I essentially grew up at summer camp and ended up working at one. This, I thought, was my calling. So in 1999, after high school I registered for the Child and Youth Worker diploma program in college. 5 semesters in to a 6 semester program and I was having doubts. I was struggling through a placement where I thought my supervisor was the biggest B**** I had ever met and I had developed a fear that if I spent all day with someone Else's kids I would not want to spend the rest of the time with my own. As we all know, Kids are exhausting! I decided that I would likely not take this career path but at least my three years of school and countless years of experience would make me a perfect, essentially professional, parent. If I could handle children and teenagers with ADD, Autism, FAS, and countless other mental health issues then surely I can handle perfectly normal, healthy babies, toddlers, preschoolers, children, turn teenagers, right? WRONG! I have learned that nothing prepares you for parenting your own offspring! and I am only at the beginning of the preschooler stage!

Everyone told me that the threes were so much worse than the twos. In hindsight, the twos weren't that bad for us but Anna definitely tested my limits and patience. I thought "phewf, I survived!" I had no idea the three's would be an even bigger test of my limits and patience! Yesterday, I sat in the playroom with a cup of tea and lots of tears. I had to cancel a haircut for Anna because while Max and I sat with out coats on at the door, Anna ran around the house in her underwear. This was just one of many "moments" during the day and only one of many "moments" when Anna has refused to go or come anywhere with me. She certainly is a stubborn woman. Hmmmm, I wonder where that comes from?


What brought me to tears yesterday was not her actions because I do know she is only three and just learning how to be her own independant self but rather my inability to deal with the situation without losing my temper. Generally I am good at remaining calm but lately I have been losing my mind with the fact that I cannot reason with a three year old. I am unproud to admit that I have raised my voice so loud she has cried. I have gotten so frustrated with being unable to just talk my way out of any episode with her. I have even stooped to the level of bribery but that, unfortunately, doesn't even work anymore. When It comes to getting out the door, either of our house, preschool, the store, or cheeky monkeys, I either have to play the "ok, I'll leave without you" card, or carry her kicking and screaming. I often feel the eyes burning through my head as I leave her alone in public (safely of course) or carry her screaming body, or yell at her sternly about her behaviour. These issues combined with Max's poor sleeping and my frustration towards him at night make me feel like a bad parent and especially a bad child and youth worker.

Yesterday I finally realized why this was all bothering me so much. I looked at it from the perspective that Dentists should have perfect teeth, Accountants should have perfect finances, Child and Youth Workers should have perfect kids. Then I was reminded that many accountants commit fraud and isn't it always the preachers kid that ends up drunk at a party?! And lets not forget the law-abiding law enforcement officers we hear about. lol.


So I start over. I stop seeing Max and Anna as "clients". I stop trying to fix all of Anna's preschooler behaviours. I stop trying to solve Max's sleep issues. I start going with the flow. I start seeing them as the perfectly normal, healthy children that they are. I start being the loving parent I know I am. I stop trying to be a perfect, professional parent and just be the best mom I can be to my wonderful kids!

3 years down!

Today is a special day! Today is the anniversary of the day my life changed. Today is Annabelle's 3rd birthday! I cannot believe my princess is 3.

Annabelle March, 2008!


Annabelle March, 2011


Yesterday morning I dropped Anna off at my parents house for a sleep over. This meant that I had 2 days by myself with Max. Now I know that having a baby is tough stuff but it is a holiday compared to having a preschooler. Yup I said it, Anna is officially a preschooler!Max and I went on a lunch date, I cleaned the inside of my car, I watched something on TV other than Dora or Ariel, I went to the mall with a child who sat quietly in a stroller. I kindof remembered what my life was like 3 years ago. And while I enjoyed the opportunity to complete some tasks without preschooler "help", I also realized that my life was boring without her.

So today on her 3rd birthday I look back on the past three years. I remember how Anna has changed from a helpless newborn who needed me to provide her every necessity of life to an amazingly vocal and independant three year old who goes to the bathroom by herself and gets her own snacks. A beautiful young girl who goes to preschool and has learned to colour a picture not just scribble on a page.

I have enjoyed watching Anna grow and learn. Helping her develop her skills is my greatest accomplishment. Today I remember her infant and toddler years and look ahead to the years to come.

Happy 3rd Birthday Annabelle! Mommy Loves you!