I am how old?

A few weeks back I had the pleasure of spending an hour getting my hair cut by an old high school friend. While we caught up, she casually mentioned that her new husband was 30 and she was 31. I Crooked my head and looked at her with confusion. She was 31? I thought we were the same age? She looked at me, equally confused, and then reminded me that I was also 31, in fact I was even older than her. (kudos to her for remembering when my birthday was after almost 12 years of not seeing each other). Holy Crap, I thought I was still 30! It seems as though I stopped counting at 30. Am I really old enough to forget my age. This realization opened my eyes about not being 30 anymore but rather in my 30's. I officially need to start aging gracefully.

For the past few months I have been getting a bit down about my appearance. I thought it was because I weigh about 30 lbs more than i did 5 years ago but I think it is because I am older than I was 5 years ago, I have 2 kids, I work harder, sleep less, and I weigh about 30 lbs more.

Me 5 years ago:


I guess I need to stop living in the past and start working with what I have. While I still intend on losing 15 lbs, I need to stop thinking that if I lose the weight all my beauty issues will be resolved because the fact is that even if I lose the weight, I will still have the bags under my eyes, wrinkles in my forehead, stretch marks on my belly, grey hair (that i don't have yet, but its just a matter of time), and dry skin. So I can no longer get away with a lackluster beauty routine. hello moisturizers, toners, face masks, hair dye ~ you will be a part of my life for the next 70 years.

Yes, you counted right, I am going to live past 100...and look good doing it.

All in a days work

Lately I have been feeling guilty about wanting to spend time by myself on the weekends or in the evening. I always feel the need to justify wanting to go to the mall on a Saturday for a few hours or go grocery shopping by myself. My husband has never told me I cannot do something but sometimes I think he wonders why I want or need to and that makes me feel guilty. I feel as though I should want to be around my kids all the time and if staying at home with our kids is my job then is it really fair of me to expect him to do my job when he comes home from his. I have thought about this a lot lately.

I think I found my answers in the fact that I have experienced both being a working parent and a stay at home parent. So dad's, pay attention because I am comfortable with saying that these points likely go for most stay at home moms. I have based my opinions on my experience so as to avoid being accused of making assumptions.

When I went to work, I would do my hair, wear makeup, and dress nice everyday and people saw me. As a stay at home mom, I do shower everyday and sometimes I wear jeans instead of jogging pants and get to the blow dryer before my hair has already dried bad but it seems on days when i put effort into my appearance, either nobody sees me or I get puked on before 9am.

When I went to work, I got breaks and lunch where I could completely separate myself from work. If I needed to, I could run out for a coffee whenever I want. As a stay at home mom, my lunch is eating kid friendly food while feeding a baby with a toddler on my lap. When its over I usually have food all over me. I look forward to afternoon naps but it takes half an hour and a lot of effort to get both kids down and there is no guarantee that it will actually happen or for how long. And when it does happen, I spend that time preparing supper, cleaning things up, and/or folding laundry. Also, If I do activities or run errands, I risk missing nap time.

When i went to work I could easily run errands on my lunch. A quick trip to the store, bank, post office, or all three. As a stay at home mom, I avoid errands unless necessary. There is no longer such a thing as a quick trip. Loading and unloading 2 kids from car seats, stroller, diaper bag, purse. then I get into the institution I am visiting for my quick trip and someone needs to pee, or someone craps their pants, or I have to whip out my boob because someone needs to eat. By the time I am done my quick trip, I have been there almost an hour. And I would really have to be desperate to run multiple errands in one trip. One kid out, Two kids out, One kid in, two kids in, One kid out...you get the picture.

When I went to work I had decent conversations with other adults that made me smarter and kept me in tune with whats going on in the world. As a stay at home mom, the majority of my conversations are with a 3 year old who replies "Huh?" to almost every question I ask her. And when she doesn't reply "Huh?" I kind of wish she did because it would save me the trouble of trying to figure out what she is saying to me. As for whats going on in the world, well, I know what Dora has been up to today, does that count?

When I went to work, I had sick/personal days and vacation days. If I was under the weather or didn't sleep that night, I would send my kids to daycare and stay home to rest. As a stay at home mom, that just doesn't exist. Nursing a bad cold? still have to get up at 6am and parent. Kids kept you up all night? Oh well, still have to parent.

When I went to work, I simply got to leave the house. I got to eat out every once in a while. As a stay at home mom I sometimes don't leave the house and when I do it is usually to visit the same child filled places; playground, library, school. Because he goes to work, My husband is out of the house more than he is in and he eats out often enough that he doesn't want to go out at night or on weekends. This I understand, but man what I would give to eat a professional chef made meal that I didn't prepare and that I don't have to clean up after every once in a while.

When I went to work I left my work at 5pm and lived for Fridays. As a stay at home mom, my work never leaves. This is where I have been confused about expectations of husbands. I know my husband works hard and its not that I want him to come home and take over for me or that I think he should, its just that husbands need to understand the monotony of our jobs. When your at work job stresses you out, you come home. that change is often enough to ease tension. Stay at home moms don't have that change.



Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love having the opportunity to be home with them and watch them grow and learn. I love staying in my PJ's reading books in bed until 9am. I also love having adequate time to prepare good wholesome meals. I love having a clean house and clean laundry and not worrying about doing either task on the weekends. But its tiring. Regardless of how much someone loves their job, a change of pace is always necessary. A change of scenery. A change of company.

In 5 months I go back to work and that is bittersweet. I love both lives. I love having some Independence; some time without a baby on my hip and a toddler pulling on my arm but I also love getting big baby smiles all day and helping someone learn their colours and letters.

So when I say that I need to go to the mall on Saturday sans kids its not because I like being away from them or even that I think being with them is hard work, its simply that I need a change. I need to do something other than puzzles, crafts, and colouring. I need to not forget to take care of me as well as them.

"Mommy Cried for Grandpa Ray"

Almost 4 and a half years ago one of the most important men in my life left me. My dad died while I held his hand and told him that he didn't need to hang on for me anymore.I told him it was ok to go and within minutes I watched him slip away at 1:30am on August 19th 2006. It was the saddest moment of my life. A moment I never thought I would have to live through at 27 years old. Yet it was a moment I would not change for the world and a moment I relive almost daily. My dad had been my hero. He was the kindest, most gentle man. He would do anything for me. On a valentines day when i was nursing a broken heart, He went out and bought me a dozen roses because he said he didn't know how else to make me feel better. I lived with him (just the 2 of us, kind of like roomies)for a couple years before he passed away and its safe to say he was my best friend.

Now I have 2 beautiful children and while my life is full of joy and love and laughter, there is still a hole because they will never know this wonderful man that I can only tell them about. I had the pleasure of seeing him love my dear niece Kayla who was only 2 months old when he died and it gives me a sense of comfort to know how he would have held and loved my kids too. But since he cannot do that I have to do the next best thing for them which is to teach them who he was and how much I love him and how much he loves them from heaven.

Now that Anna is turning 3 and able to understand things a bit more, I have decided to start teaching her about Grandpa Ray. With a picture of my dad and I proudly displayed in our living room, we have the opportunity to visit him frequently. She turned me into a bawling mess when she got up from the table at lunch one day and brought his picture over and said "I have lunch with Grandpa Ray" This was followed by "I hold onto Grandpa Ray" as she hugged the photo. A moment I happily caught on the camera.


This Christmas my children (and me) got the best gift ever from daddy. My husband had told me he got them a special gift but wouldn't tell me what. During our gift opening, I was brought to tears again as I helped Max and Anna open photo books for each of them all about Grandpa Ray. A beautiful book filled with happy memories of my dad and a story to go along with it. At this point in time that book means more to me than it does to them but I am happy they have something so special for when they understand more about who he is. I am grateful for such a thoughtful husband (who even made one for Kayla and mailed it to her) who appreciates how tragic it was for me to lose my dad and wants to help keep his spirit alive for our kids.


So at the age of 3, Anna wants to look at Grandpa Rays book everyday before nap and I, of course, cry. Anna rubs my back and says "Don't cry mommy" and then when daddy comes home she tells him "Mommy cried for Grandpa Ray".

Teaching them about Grandpa Ray may be the hardest thing I do. What I would give for just one more day with him and for them to have the opportunity to learn about him from him.

Whats in a Name?

So when you get pregnant you have nine months to name your child and an unlimited amount of baby name books. Apparently I need the same time and resources for naming my blog. So forgive me for changing it up as I try to find the perfect fit.

Clarity! Kids are Puzzles

What is a 4 letter word for complicated? BABY! Somebody recently said to me in passing that Children were like puzzles and this opened a whole new world of clarity for me. I have spent many days and nights trying to figure out how to "fix" Max. It just dawned on me that he didn't need to be fixed, he needed to just be figured out.

Kids cannot speak for the first year or 2 of their lives. Some parents are lucky enough to have babies who learn baby sign, some parents embark on elimination communication, and some parents try to learn the 5 cries of babies. But regardless of what tools they use, ALL parents are faced with the challenge of trying to figure out the puzzles that are our kids.

Max was definitely a more complicated infant than Anna. He has kept the wheels in my brain spinning. Why isn't he sleeping? Is it gas or a sore tummy? and what caused the gas and sore tummy? Is he teething? Is it his congestion? and how can we fix it? is he hungry? is he eating enough? when should he eat and how much? is he sleeping too much during the day? is he cold? AHHHHHHH. What are the answers!

Lately we have spent many conversations trying to figure out this specific puzzle. At least its a puzzle we can travel with. I mean even when we were snowboarding sans kids, we spent the whole time working on the puzzle. Apparently though it was worth it as on New years Eve of 2010 it appears we MAY have solved this puzzle. Its not the first New Years Eve I have spent doing puzzles (Blush).

We think we found the answer in that he was stuck on his routine of eating at night and not during the day. I say think as I don't want to jinx it and I still go to bed at night with the expectation that it may be a rough night. After all, we all know that when one puzzle is finished a new one is started.

before I know it he will turn 2 and I will be faced with the same puzzle I am working on with Anna right now. What is she saying and why is she crying?

To Cry or Not to Sleep...That is the Question, Part 2.

As many of my facebook friends know, I have been battling Sleep Deprivation for a couple months now. My little man of 7 months has turned into a night owl and I am suffering through it. When I wrote Part one of this post, I was embarking on the controversial "Cry it Out" Method of sleep training. After all, Anna cried one night and that was it, she was fixed! With Max, We practised modified version of Crying it out for 3 days. Modified because I always went to see him and tried to sooth him. I had read that it was meaner to give in and pick them up after they had cried for so long because then they cried for nothing, but after 3 days, I had to pick him up. It broke my heart to hear him cry and it seemed I got more sleep when i went in and nursed him for 10 minutes and then when back to dreamland as opposed to lying in bed wide awake and waiting for him to fall back asleep.

This sleep issue has consumed our conversations much as it has consumed my facebook status. Teething, congestion, hunger, gas, heat...It had to be SOMETHING or, as it appeared to be, all of the above. Oye, How to fix all of the above. We gave Max Camilia, Hydrasense, Tylenol, Gripe water, a pillow, formula. We even called in the HVAC company to adjust the heat so his room was warmer than ours, nothing really changed to situation.

The biggest change I made was my decision to stop breastfeeding during the day (I will still nurse him at night if he gets up). This was about the time when Anna stopped breastfeeding and I always said I wanted to go to 6 months. In an effort to see if Max's issue was a need for more than my breastmilk, I decided to cut him off. After 6 months of being my sidekick (he wouldn't take a bottle ever since my mid-summer crisis when I gave up on him) I wasn't sure how he would react but he surprised me. And now, He is so cute when he sees the bottle and starts smiling and smacking his lips. However this did not fix the issue of him wanting to nurse every hour through the night until something clicked in my sleep deprived head.

Since Max was born I have been trying to remember things about Anna's infancy. When did she nap properly, When did she start a bedtime routine, when did she start a proper feeding routine. My suggestion to all new moms is MAKE NOTE! These things you will want to know for baby number 2. Since Max started solids, I have been lost about feeding routines as he never seemed hungry.

Well DUHHH, he is never hungry because he eats ALL NIGHT! It seemed my little night owl had mixed up his day and nights when it came to eating. So new year, new routine! last night he was cut off. no nursing until after 5 am. He got up at 10pm, was given a soother and went back to sleep. then he got up at 1am, whined for about 20 minutes and went back to sleep. Then at 6am he got some warm, fresh from the taps, breastmilk and actually ate an appropriate amount of food and formula throughout the day!

Here's hoping that 2011 brings us all more sleep.

Tis the Season to be Grateful.

While looking at pictures today I found myself getting choked up because of how much I loved my kids. I was in awe that these 2 beautiful human beings belonged to me and that i get to wake up to their amazing faces and personalities everyday (and multiple times a night apparently)for the next 18 years (then they can just call me when they wake up).

Lately I have witnessed Anna's amazing, thoughtful, and polite personality. She is always quick to get her baby brother a toy, or a burp blanket when he so much as drools. At the end of nap time, I hear her in the monitor yelling from her door to Max's room " Max, I coming! I coming, Max". When I sit down to nurse Max, Anna runs around getting me everything I need including my Iphone and a bur blanpket and then monitors Max's eating, making sure to push him back on if he lets go for any reason. Between helping Max and Helping Mommy, Our family is truly lucky to have such a wonderful little girl.

She is also my little parrot! As do most 2 year olds I am sure, she takes note of everything and then copies or repeats it in the cutest way. My term of endearment for Max is buddy and the other day as I was preparing Max's supper, he was sitting in his highchair letting me know that i needed to hurry up in the only way he knows how, with tears. Anna quickly ran over to him, brought him a toy and said "its Okay Buddy" over and over again. When she is not needed to sooth Max as he waits for his food she is in the kitchen getting a spoon for Max, or everyone for that matter, and setting the table for supper. I never taught me 2 year old to set the table yet she does it so well and without prompting.

A few weeks back, we had a bridal shower for my cousin and Anna and her little cousin Emmy sat down to eat their cake at the kids table in the toy room. Emmy's mom, my cousin Krista, sat on the floor in there to eat with them because the other chairs were all in the living room. Anna surveyed the situation and without any prompting Anna went into the other room and carried a chair back to the toy room for Krista. Yet another example of my thoughtful little girl.

This whole post was brought to light after a very busy holiday weekend. Yesterday evening we hosted my coworkers and their families for a holiday dinner. Usually a bit shy, I prepped Anna for the arrival of other kids. it turned out she was an amazing host. She showed the kids to her toy room, and took a younger guest under her wing. When everyone was leaving she very loudly shouted "Thank you for coming, Merry Christmas". Today was much the same as we attended another Christmas party. We were slightly afraid considering she went to bed at 10pm last night and missed nap today. Yet the day was completed at 7:30pm with no tears and lots of smiles.

So as the Christmas Season progresses I am reminded that I have already gotten the best gift of all; 2 beautiful children, inside and out.


PS: When I ask Anna what she wants Santa to bring her, she answers with Gusto "PRESENT"! Santa, if you read this, she has been a very good girl and she isn't even picky!