I survived one week back to work...but just barely!
Last weekend I was all geared up to head back. I spent the weekend tidying up around the house and preparing some freezer meals, doing laundry and loving on my kids! Of course though nothing in a parents life happens as expected and right before work was to start Max stopped sleeping through the night. its like he knew something was up and wanted to tell me how much he disagreed with this change. So week one (and 2 days) I have worked my full days on very little sleep. Nothing like jumping right into the deep end of the pool! As well, my replacement has been gone now for over a month so I had no honeymoon period it was right to the grind picking up everything that has been on hold for a month.
I was very lucky to have a dear friend take on the challange of watching Max for me. I say Challenge as she is a parent herself to 3 girls ranging in age from 4 to 11 months. All last week he cried at drop off and made things a little difficult for everyone but otherwise seemed to adjust well. While I feel very lucky to have a friend watching Max and I know he is safe and loved, it has the downfall of me worrying everyday that he is making things difficult for her and worrying that she will resent me for "ruining" her days. If he was going to a daycare in which I had no connection I wouldn't care if he pooped on them 5 times a day or demanded attention but I think it is human nature to care when you are friends with the person who's life is being affected. Now as as side note, she has told me numerous times that it is fine, she is Ok but it is definately my human nature to care.
So here I sit at my lovely desk while my kids go about their days without me. Max broke my heart this morning as he just looked so sad driving to Kate's house. I know he is being loved but I think he just wants to be loved all day by me. It is a big change for everyone but I know we will survive!
Ok. Lunch is ending, back at er!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I Survived!
One year later with only a few fights and meltdowns, numerous diapers and a ridiculous amount of feedings and one fever and we survived. Today Max turns ONE!!
To Celebrate this wonderful occasion I want to take a trip down memory lane. Where were we one year ago yesterday and today.
On Sunday June 6th, 2010 we had Grandmaman, Chantale, Noah, Zach, Grandma, and Grandpa over for dinner. I had been feeling very yucky all weekend; tired and sick. Just before dinner was to start I spent some time lying on the couch with my feet up. When dinner was ready I went to the table and grandma told me I looked really flushed. She then put her hand on my big belly and said she felt a contraction. I never went into proper labour with Annabelle so I didn’t really know what to expect. When Grandma told me I was having a contraction I then started counting them and timing the time between. The so-called contractions were tiny, didn’t hurt, and were not consistent so I thought it was a false alarm.
After everyone left (except Grandmaman as she was staying with us) I decided to go to bed just in case it was the real thing. When I was in bed, I had a very distinct “pain” in my belly. Daddy came to bed and I decided to go downstairs and wait it out while watching TV. At this point it still didn’t feel like much as the pains stopped when I was walking around. Daddy and Grandmaman came downstairs and insisted that I should go stay at grandma’s house because she lived close to the hospital. I reluctantly agreed and when I got up from the chair I had a lot of pain. While I was packing my bags (and making the bed, hehe) I decided that the pain was strong enough that I needed to go straight to the hospital instead of grandma’s house.
When we got in the car it was clear that the pains I was having were definitely contractions. They were 2 minutes apart and very painful. We had a 40 minute drive to the hospital and Daddy was very nervous that he was going to have to deliver you on the side of the highway so he was driving mighty fast. Every contraction I screamed in pain and daddy drove faster so I had to try and be quiet. It was now after 11pm and luckily there wasn’t any traffic. If any cars got in our way, Daddy flashed his lights at them to get out of the way. When we got to the hospital, daddy dropped me off at the door and went to park the car. As I sat in a wheelchair at the door, people saw me and were very concerned that I was not ok but I was fine, just very much in labour!
Daddy wheeled my chair up to labour and delivery and we checked in. I had a hard time talking as my contractions were now a minute apart and daddy was very flustered. We went into the triage room and the nurse checked me to discover that I was only 4 cm dilated and my water had not broken…until 2 minutes after that when it did. They immediately moved me into the delivery room where we met our nurse for the night, Anita.
Anita was great. I was in a lot of pain and really wanted an epidural. While we were waiting, I was given laughing gas to take off the edge and while it didn’t make the pain go away it gave me a sense of humour. I was able to joke and laugh between the painful contractions. However, it was also yucky and made me very sick. When the woman came to give me the epidural, Anita wanted to check to see if I had dilated anymore first. I was afraid she would tell me it was too late for the epidural so I wouldn’t let her check me until after. She reluctantly agreed and after the epidural she checked and I was 8 cm. (As I thought, she wouldn’t have given me the epidural had we known this). After I got the epidural, the contractions were still very strong and painful. The pain changed into a throbbing pain in my crotch that wasn’t going away every 2 minutes like the pain from the contractions. Anita checked and I was ready to give birth to you. She said I could wait for the epidural to kick in but the quickest way to end the pain was just get you out! So with that I pushed for what I remember to be maybe 5 minutes or 2 pushes and you were born at 1:22am (about an hour and a half from arriving at the hospital and 3.5 from my first contraction). You cried a beautiful cry and so began our amazing journey together on June 7th, 2010.
To celebrate that wonderful day we had an wonderful birthday BBQ with our friends and family. However, Given that Max has been sleeping well he needed to remind me of who he is and how he is special. So a day before his party he got his first fever and was sick with vomitting and diarreha for the next 3 days. then the night before his actual first birthday he was up from about 2am to 6am.
Regardless, he is cute as a button and I am totally in love.
To Celebrate this wonderful occasion I want to take a trip down memory lane. Where were we one year ago yesterday and today.
On Sunday June 6th, 2010 we had Grandmaman, Chantale, Noah, Zach, Grandma, and Grandpa over for dinner. I had been feeling very yucky all weekend; tired and sick. Just before dinner was to start I spent some time lying on the couch with my feet up. When dinner was ready I went to the table and grandma told me I looked really flushed. She then put her hand on my big belly and said she felt a contraction. I never went into proper labour with Annabelle so I didn’t really know what to expect. When Grandma told me I was having a contraction I then started counting them and timing the time between. The so-called contractions were tiny, didn’t hurt, and were not consistent so I thought it was a false alarm.
After everyone left (except Grandmaman as she was staying with us) I decided to go to bed just in case it was the real thing. When I was in bed, I had a very distinct “pain” in my belly. Daddy came to bed and I decided to go downstairs and wait it out while watching TV. At this point it still didn’t feel like much as the pains stopped when I was walking around. Daddy and Grandmaman came downstairs and insisted that I should go stay at grandma’s house because she lived close to the hospital. I reluctantly agreed and when I got up from the chair I had a lot of pain. While I was packing my bags (and making the bed, hehe) I decided that the pain was strong enough that I needed to go straight to the hospital instead of grandma’s house.
When we got in the car it was clear that the pains I was having were definitely contractions. They were 2 minutes apart and very painful. We had a 40 minute drive to the hospital and Daddy was very nervous that he was going to have to deliver you on the side of the highway so he was driving mighty fast. Every contraction I screamed in pain and daddy drove faster so I had to try and be quiet. It was now after 11pm and luckily there wasn’t any traffic. If any cars got in our way, Daddy flashed his lights at them to get out of the way. When we got to the hospital, daddy dropped me off at the door and went to park the car. As I sat in a wheelchair at the door, people saw me and were very concerned that I was not ok but I was fine, just very much in labour!
Daddy wheeled my chair up to labour and delivery and we checked in. I had a hard time talking as my contractions were now a minute apart and daddy was very flustered. We went into the triage room and the nurse checked me to discover that I was only 4 cm dilated and my water had not broken…until 2 minutes after that when it did. They immediately moved me into the delivery room where we met our nurse for the night, Anita.
Anita was great. I was in a lot of pain and really wanted an epidural. While we were waiting, I was given laughing gas to take off the edge and while it didn’t make the pain go away it gave me a sense of humour. I was able to joke and laugh between the painful contractions. However, it was also yucky and made me very sick. When the woman came to give me the epidural, Anita wanted to check to see if I had dilated anymore first. I was afraid she would tell me it was too late for the epidural so I wouldn’t let her check me until after. She reluctantly agreed and after the epidural she checked and I was 8 cm. (As I thought, she wouldn’t have given me the epidural had we known this). After I got the epidural, the contractions were still very strong and painful. The pain changed into a throbbing pain in my crotch that wasn’t going away every 2 minutes like the pain from the contractions. Anita checked and I was ready to give birth to you. She said I could wait for the epidural to kick in but the quickest way to end the pain was just get you out! So with that I pushed for what I remember to be maybe 5 minutes or 2 pushes and you were born at 1:22am (about an hour and a half from arriving at the hospital and 3.5 from my first contraction). You cried a beautiful cry and so began our amazing journey together on June 7th, 2010.
To celebrate that wonderful day we had an wonderful birthday BBQ with our friends and family. However, Given that Max has been sleeping well he needed to remind me of who he is and how he is special. So a day before his party he got his first fever and was sick with vomitting and diarreha for the next 3 days. then the night before his actual first birthday he was up from about 2am to 6am.
Regardless, he is cute as a button and I am totally in love.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Whats for Dinner?
I have never been a big cookbook girl. I have many and I have flipped through them and made the occasional casserole but I generally found the food either to forgein, or I didn't have half the very large amount of ingredients.
Until now...
Right after Max was born my mother in law introduced me to Clean Eating when she gave me the Eat Clean Diet Cookbook, by Tosca Reno. Having just had Max, healthy eating was just what I needed but I had no idea that this cookbook would shape the way my family ate from that point on. We break out this cookbook at least once a week and have even memorized some recipes.
So what is clean eating? Clean eating is basically eating without using processed, packaged food. If you ever watch Dr. Oz, you may have heard him say that you should shop the perimeter of a grocery store. The perimeter is where you find, fresh vegetables, grains, meats, and dairy. Now don't get me wrong, we still eat some processed and packaged food but this way of cooking our meals has taught us ways to prepare dinners without pre-made sauces, spice mixtures, etc.
Now I have tried some recipes that I won't make again (the homemade mac and cheese - not good) and the downfall to this eating is the initial need to purchase some ingredients that you likely don't already have but then you have them and they last for a long time.
But let me give you a taste for yourself. The next time you make a stir fry make your own sauce:
Chicken Szechuanese (sauce)
Sea Salt
Freshly ground black pepper
2 tsp potatoe flour or quinoa flour (i use regular flour)
3 tsp soy-sauce
3 tsp rice vinegar
1 tsp organic honey
1 cup vegetable or chicken broth
Mix together in a small bowl and when your stirfry is almost cooked, add the sauce and let simmer for a few minutes so the sauce soaks into the meat.
I have recently added Tosca Reno's Eat Clean Cookbook to my collection and once again, not disappointed.
If you want to make a lifestyle change, try this out. I think you'll like it.
Until now...
Right after Max was born my mother in law introduced me to Clean Eating when she gave me the Eat Clean Diet Cookbook, by Tosca Reno. Having just had Max, healthy eating was just what I needed but I had no idea that this cookbook would shape the way my family ate from that point on. We break out this cookbook at least once a week and have even memorized some recipes.
So what is clean eating? Clean eating is basically eating without using processed, packaged food. If you ever watch Dr. Oz, you may have heard him say that you should shop the perimeter of a grocery store. The perimeter is where you find, fresh vegetables, grains, meats, and dairy. Now don't get me wrong, we still eat some processed and packaged food but this way of cooking our meals has taught us ways to prepare dinners without pre-made sauces, spice mixtures, etc.
Now I have tried some recipes that I won't make again (the homemade mac and cheese - not good) and the downfall to this eating is the initial need to purchase some ingredients that you likely don't already have but then you have them and they last for a long time.
But let me give you a taste for yourself. The next time you make a stir fry make your own sauce:
Chicken Szechuanese (sauce)
Sea Salt
Freshly ground black pepper
2 tsp potatoe flour or quinoa flour (i use regular flour)
3 tsp soy-sauce
3 tsp rice vinegar
1 tsp organic honey
1 cup vegetable or chicken broth
Mix together in a small bowl and when your stirfry is almost cooked, add the sauce and let simmer for a few minutes so the sauce soaks into the meat.
I have recently added Tosca Reno's Eat Clean Cookbook to my collection and once again, not disappointed.
If you want to make a lifestyle change, try this out. I think you'll like it.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Happy Mothers Day!
Hi Everyone. I hope you all had a great mothers day weekend. I sure did! We worked and played outside in the beautiful weather all weekend.
I promised Guy that Had i been on Facebook still I would have tooted his horn for giving me a wonderful mothers day so I will toot it here.
Friday he came home with a dozen pink roses (from Anna). they were bought as a fundraiser for breast cancer so the money went to a good cause which was an added bonus. (note Guy cooking dinner in the background)
Then While I took the kids swimming Saturday morning he installed my new clothes line (from Him).
Then on Sunday morning I got to sleep in for 2 extra hours and then i came downstairs to a cute card from the kids and a gift card to Lululemon to buy a new coat (from Max).
I have to say that Max has given me the hardest year of My life, so its fitting that his is the best gift of all. LOL.
Thats it thats All!
I promised Guy that Had i been on Facebook still I would have tooted his horn for giving me a wonderful mothers day so I will toot it here.
Friday he came home with a dozen pink roses (from Anna). they were bought as a fundraiser for breast cancer so the money went to a good cause which was an added bonus. (note Guy cooking dinner in the background)
Then While I took the kids swimming Saturday morning he installed my new clothes line (from Him).
Then on Sunday morning I got to sleep in for 2 extra hours and then i came downstairs to a cute card from the kids and a gift card to Lululemon to buy a new coat (from Max).
I have to say that Max has given me the hardest year of My life, so its fitting that his is the best gift of all. LOL.
Thats it thats All!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Are you a bad driver? No I am a parent!
I have always gotten openly annoyed with bad drivers. I hate tailgaters most of all and then there are the plain ignorant drivers who either just slept through drivers ed or are so confident in their skills that they try to multi task to an extreme. Either way, I go insane when in the presence of bad drivers.
Now may I present you with my hypocritical side. Lets take June 6th, 2010 for example. I went in to labour suddenly with my contractions starting at 2 minutes apart. With a 40 minute drive to the hospital ahead of us, my husband flew down the 416. He flashed lights at trucks that where in our way and dodged cars as necessary. I am sure the other cars where cursing him like I would normally be doing but he had no plans on delivering a baby on the side of the highway. Hmmm maybe next time I see such a scene I should consider what the circumstances may be.
Example number 2 of hypocritical me. As a sleep deprived mom, I often forget my head at home. I never drive if I am THAT tired but I have been less than all present driving through Kemptville to runs errands. A few weeks back I got a finger wave and head shake by a clearly annoyed gentlemen because I forgot to signal my turn and he sat waiting. I have been him and I felt terrible. I wanted to jump out of my car and explain myself and apologize. But instead he went on his Merry way thinking I am just a bad driver.
My final example came this past week. During the pouring rain I drove through the grocery store parking lot. I usually consider myself to be a thoughtful driver but when I was in my zone, it never occurred to me to stop and let the family leaving the video store who were standing in the pouring rain while I sat dry in my car cross the way. the light bulb noting my ignorance only came on when the dad looked at me (I saw through my rear view mirror) and shook his head. In this instance I wanted a do-over because to them now I am rude but the fact is I am generally very thoughtful in this matter.
So this is my apology to all drivers who have been the victims of my poor road skills lately. I am not a bad driver, I am just an exhausted parent.
Maybe I should just let Max drive from now on!
P.S - going off facebook is like leaving a party that is in full swing to go home alone. I seriously feel like I am missing a party. Liberating but lonely.
Now may I present you with my hypocritical side. Lets take June 6th, 2010 for example. I went in to labour suddenly with my contractions starting at 2 minutes apart. With a 40 minute drive to the hospital ahead of us, my husband flew down the 416. He flashed lights at trucks that where in our way and dodged cars as necessary. I am sure the other cars where cursing him like I would normally be doing but he had no plans on delivering a baby on the side of the highway. Hmmm maybe next time I see such a scene I should consider what the circumstances may be.
Example number 2 of hypocritical me. As a sleep deprived mom, I often forget my head at home. I never drive if I am THAT tired but I have been less than all present driving through Kemptville to runs errands. A few weeks back I got a finger wave and head shake by a clearly annoyed gentlemen because I forgot to signal my turn and he sat waiting. I have been him and I felt terrible. I wanted to jump out of my car and explain myself and apologize. But instead he went on his Merry way thinking I am just a bad driver.
My final example came this past week. During the pouring rain I drove through the grocery store parking lot. I usually consider myself to be a thoughtful driver but when I was in my zone, it never occurred to me to stop and let the family leaving the video store who were standing in the pouring rain while I sat dry in my car cross the way. the light bulb noting my ignorance only came on when the dad looked at me (I saw through my rear view mirror) and shook his head. In this instance I wanted a do-over because to them now I am rude but the fact is I am generally very thoughtful in this matter.
So this is my apology to all drivers who have been the victims of my poor road skills lately. I am not a bad driver, I am just an exhausted parent.
Maybe I should just let Max drive from now on!
P.S - going off facebook is like leaving a party that is in full swing to go home alone. I seriously feel like I am missing a party. Liberating but lonely.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Bringing back the Art of Conversation!
Social Media has taken over our lives and recently I have realized that it has also taken away parts of our lives too. Therefore I have decided to stop using facebook.
Reason 1: The other day I was out with some friends and I realized how annoying it is to have someone check their facebook via smartphone in the middle of conversations. While noticing how annoying this is, i also realized that this is totally something I do. I have gotten to the point where i cannot go anywhere without my phone. A while back I read a blogpost about "mom, put down your damn iphone" or something like that and when i saw Anna breastfeed her child and needed to have her phone in her hand I had my eyes opened up. Surely she thinks that "damn Iphone" is as important to me as her.
Reason 2: When I run into someone from highschool or college or anywhere for that matter I feel like facebook has ruined the art of conversation. We already know everything about eachother right down to how much weight we need to lose. I have started a few conversations by asking "how is...." and realized it was a stupid question because thanks to facebook I already know. I have also wanted to share something about me but it is redundant because thanks to facebook they already know.
Reason 3: I have an addictive personality, a trait that was likely passed on to me by my father, and when I am addicted to something it seems as though I either need all or none. Now before you start sending me AA cards, I am talking more like Chocolate and Facebook. In an attempt to get physically healthier I have been cutting Chocolate out cold turkey so now in an attempt to get mentally healthier I am cutting out facebook. Facebook puts everything out there for everyone, especially if you are me. I started by disabling my wall to try and decrease my sharing. then I cut my friend list in half because I was incapable of not oversharing.
Simply put I appear to be unable to use facebook minimally so I am going to stop. I need to work on the most important relationships I have without the distractions of my overly obsessive curiosity with what everyone is up to. While Max has his evening bottle I am going to read to him instead of search facebook. When Anna wants to do a puzzle I am going to keep my phone in the kitchen instead of my pocket. After the kids go to bed I am going to work on my scrapbooks instead of stare aimlessly at my computer. And while Guy and I are in bed I am going to....Use my iphone to play scrabble with him. :) And when I see someone I am going to Ask "What have you been up to?" and actually be curious!
But I still want to stay in touch with my facebook friends. I am on Linked In for work and I have a twitter account (mostly so i can pretend I am friends with celebrities and reality TV stars) and I still use old fashioned Email, Phone, and Text. And of course I have this blog which I will continue to write in and share photos. So please follow it so that i am actually sharing with someone other than myself.
So there you have it in a nutshell. Guy thinks this is a phase and doesn't think i am serious. Who knows, maybe you'll see me back here later but definitely will be a long while. I will stay live for tomorrow so that I can hopefully get some blog followers but then after that I am shutin' er down for atleast 28 days (they say thats how many days it takes to break a habit, hense 28 days rehab...facebook rehab in my case)
Reason 1: The other day I was out with some friends and I realized how annoying it is to have someone check their facebook via smartphone in the middle of conversations. While noticing how annoying this is, i also realized that this is totally something I do. I have gotten to the point where i cannot go anywhere without my phone. A while back I read a blogpost about "mom, put down your damn iphone" or something like that and when i saw Anna breastfeed her child and needed to have her phone in her hand I had my eyes opened up. Surely she thinks that "damn Iphone" is as important to me as her.
Reason 2: When I run into someone from highschool or college or anywhere for that matter I feel like facebook has ruined the art of conversation. We already know everything about eachother right down to how much weight we need to lose. I have started a few conversations by asking "how is...." and realized it was a stupid question because thanks to facebook I already know. I have also wanted to share something about me but it is redundant because thanks to facebook they already know.
Reason 3: I have an addictive personality, a trait that was likely passed on to me by my father, and when I am addicted to something it seems as though I either need all or none. Now before you start sending me AA cards, I am talking more like Chocolate and Facebook. In an attempt to get physically healthier I have been cutting Chocolate out cold turkey so now in an attempt to get mentally healthier I am cutting out facebook. Facebook puts everything out there for everyone, especially if you are me. I started by disabling my wall to try and decrease my sharing. then I cut my friend list in half because I was incapable of not oversharing.
Simply put I appear to be unable to use facebook minimally so I am going to stop. I need to work on the most important relationships I have without the distractions of my overly obsessive curiosity with what everyone is up to. While Max has his evening bottle I am going to read to him instead of search facebook. When Anna wants to do a puzzle I am going to keep my phone in the kitchen instead of my pocket. After the kids go to bed I am going to work on my scrapbooks instead of stare aimlessly at my computer. And while Guy and I are in bed I am going to....Use my iphone to play scrabble with him. :) And when I see someone I am going to Ask "What have you been up to?" and actually be curious!
But I still want to stay in touch with my facebook friends. I am on Linked In for work and I have a twitter account (mostly so i can pretend I am friends with celebrities and reality TV stars) and I still use old fashioned Email, Phone, and Text. And of course I have this blog which I will continue to write in and share photos. So please follow it so that i am actually sharing with someone other than myself.
So there you have it in a nutshell. Guy thinks this is a phase and doesn't think i am serious. Who knows, maybe you'll see me back here later but definitely will be a long while. I will stay live for tomorrow so that I can hopefully get some blog followers but then after that I am shutin' er down for atleast 28 days (they say thats how many days it takes to break a habit, hense 28 days rehab...facebook rehab in my case)
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Million Dollar Family!
Last night I had an epiphany, at least that's what I think its called. After Max woke up in a screaming fit due to most likely constipation, his cold, teething, or a combination of all three I realized that I cannot have another baby and I frankly don`t want one even if it means giving up one more year off from work.
I want to start by bowing down to moms of three or more kids. I am sure at least one of those kids challenged you and I commend you for having the strength to do it.
I have flip flopped on this subject a lot over the past 10 months as Max has been one heck of a challenge but last night was the first time I decided that I was done and believed it. It wasn`t because Max was having another meltdown, it was because I wasn`t able to handle it without losing my mind and sharing a few unchoice words with a small baby who is clearly in distress. When Max finally settled in my arms (seriously, I did not deserve any baby snuggles) I lied awake for hours making a pros and cons list which ultimately led to this decision (I will share the list at the end).
Why do I want three kids was the first question I asked myself. I never wanted three kids. I grew up in a house of 2 and I always said i wanted 2. If you consult my grade 8 yearbook it says I would have 2 kids by the year 2000 or something silly but still it said 2 kids. this all changed when I met my wonderful husband. He comes from a family of 4 kids. He is the only boy and the youngest and they are all very close, despite the physical distance between them. 2 of his sisters have 3 kids and the other has 2. they have an `honorary` sister who also has 3 kids which makes family gatherings chaotic and fun, even if one or two siblings may be missing. On the flip side, my one brother has one child and we don`t really see each other often. I love him of course but sometimes I feel like an only child which is lonely in comparison to my husbands family. When we do get together, family gatherings are small and quiet. I realized last night that I saw happiness in numbers. the more kids, the more fun, the more happiness.
But as much as you can`t buy happiness you also can`t procreate it. Why can`t our family of four be complete. I have very fond memories of my childhood with just one sibling; we fit in a tent trailer perfect, we fit in a 2 bed hotel room perfect and no one had to sleep on the floor, we played 2 on 2 basketball and no one was left out, we drove to school together and no one had to sit in the backseat,(I am sure I could think of more if I was getting more sleep). I had a wonderful relationship with my brother and I believe that Anna and Max will have an equally wonderful relationship. Our job as parents now is to ensure that our wonderful family dynamic carries into their adulthood and then we can have what I thought we needed more kids to have.
I also wanted more kids so that I could experience pregnancy and childbirth again. for the past 10 months that was a big reason why I hung on to wanting three or maybe even four kids even through the ridiculously long sleepless nights. I would see my facebook friends announce pregnancies and new babies and I would get a tinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. I would watch a baby story and the birth part of teen mom and cry because it was so beautiful. I will probably still get such feelings but I just have to remind myself of why it is better to give someone else that honor of experiencing such a joyful event.
So there are my pros for having more kids; another year off, childbirth again and a big happy family.
The cons that I came up with are; More Expensive (daycare, sports, programs, vacations, clothes), more sleepless nights which lead to mean mommy to all kids in my presence, need a new car, short a bedroom, more sleepless nights, strain on my marriage, and did I say more Sleepless nights.
A year and half ago we gave away our beloved dog because we were not good doggy parents anymore. I wanted to keep him but I felt like that would have been a selfish decision. He got yelled at a lot because we didn`t have the time to give him the attention he needed so He was always in the way. Last night I caught myself comparing this decision to that one. I want another child to full fill my personal needs which is selfish but in the end I would rather be a great mom to 2 kids then an Ok, sometimes crappy mom to three or more.
So the door to more kids is officially closed...and locked. My husband says we still have the key tucked away for a rainy day considering he won`t let anyone near his unit with a knife or laser or anything. But I think I should make a video of Max and Me at night in case we entertain the subject again.
I want to start by bowing down to moms of three or more kids. I am sure at least one of those kids challenged you and I commend you for having the strength to do it.
I have flip flopped on this subject a lot over the past 10 months as Max has been one heck of a challenge but last night was the first time I decided that I was done and believed it. It wasn`t because Max was having another meltdown, it was because I wasn`t able to handle it without losing my mind and sharing a few unchoice words with a small baby who is clearly in distress. When Max finally settled in my arms (seriously, I did not deserve any baby snuggles) I lied awake for hours making a pros and cons list which ultimately led to this decision (I will share the list at the end).
Why do I want three kids was the first question I asked myself. I never wanted three kids. I grew up in a house of 2 and I always said i wanted 2. If you consult my grade 8 yearbook it says I would have 2 kids by the year 2000 or something silly but still it said 2 kids. this all changed when I met my wonderful husband. He comes from a family of 4 kids. He is the only boy and the youngest and they are all very close, despite the physical distance between them. 2 of his sisters have 3 kids and the other has 2. they have an `honorary` sister who also has 3 kids which makes family gatherings chaotic and fun, even if one or two siblings may be missing. On the flip side, my one brother has one child and we don`t really see each other often. I love him of course but sometimes I feel like an only child which is lonely in comparison to my husbands family. When we do get together, family gatherings are small and quiet. I realized last night that I saw happiness in numbers. the more kids, the more fun, the more happiness.
But as much as you can`t buy happiness you also can`t procreate it. Why can`t our family of four be complete. I have very fond memories of my childhood with just one sibling; we fit in a tent trailer perfect, we fit in a 2 bed hotel room perfect and no one had to sleep on the floor, we played 2 on 2 basketball and no one was left out, we drove to school together and no one had to sit in the backseat,(I am sure I could think of more if I was getting more sleep). I had a wonderful relationship with my brother and I believe that Anna and Max will have an equally wonderful relationship. Our job as parents now is to ensure that our wonderful family dynamic carries into their adulthood and then we can have what I thought we needed more kids to have.
I also wanted more kids so that I could experience pregnancy and childbirth again. for the past 10 months that was a big reason why I hung on to wanting three or maybe even four kids even through the ridiculously long sleepless nights. I would see my facebook friends announce pregnancies and new babies and I would get a tinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. I would watch a baby story and the birth part of teen mom and cry because it was so beautiful. I will probably still get such feelings but I just have to remind myself of why it is better to give someone else that honor of experiencing such a joyful event.
So there are my pros for having more kids; another year off, childbirth again and a big happy family.
The cons that I came up with are; More Expensive (daycare, sports, programs, vacations, clothes), more sleepless nights which lead to mean mommy to all kids in my presence, need a new car, short a bedroom, more sleepless nights, strain on my marriage, and did I say more Sleepless nights.
A year and half ago we gave away our beloved dog because we were not good doggy parents anymore. I wanted to keep him but I felt like that would have been a selfish decision. He got yelled at a lot because we didn`t have the time to give him the attention he needed so He was always in the way. Last night I caught myself comparing this decision to that one. I want another child to full fill my personal needs which is selfish but in the end I would rather be a great mom to 2 kids then an Ok, sometimes crappy mom to three or more.
So the door to more kids is officially closed...and locked. My husband says we still have the key tucked away for a rainy day considering he won`t let anyone near his unit with a knife or laser or anything. But I think I should make a video of Max and Me at night in case we entertain the subject again.
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