Who's Child is this?

So today I had one of my scariest mom moments when I became "that mom" who lost her child in a store. We were happily playing in the childrens area and when I was getting ready to pack up and leave I realized she had left. I had just seen her pushing a stroller around and then she was gone. When I approached a group of staff right outside the entrance to the childrens area I must have appeared inappropriately calm but I was kindof in shock. Anna has always been such a great kid that I couldn't believe she had run away. Everyone within ear shot came running and started looking for her. This made me panic even more as I realized how dangerous this situation could be. Chapters is a HUGE store. When i saw the stroller she had been pushing sitting abandoned in an aisle my heart sank. this is what you see on TV when kids go missing. Then we heard from afar a loud "I found her". My dear friend, Anna's godmother, who I was with had located the rascal running through aisles of books playing her version of hide and seek, also known as lets see how scared my mommy can get before before she finds me. I ran up to her, tears welling up in my eyes and grabbed her in hopes of explaining the impact this situation had on me and all I got was screaming and squirms as she was clearly not finished with the game. I could feel the eyes burning through the back of my head and imagined people thinking that my child is out of control and I am a irresponsible mom.

The exact opposite is in fact true. My child is the most thoughtful, generous, polite, well behaved child I have ever encountered. Now granted, I could have kept a closer eye on her but her track record as a dream child is why I didn't. Pretty much the same reason why I lost my dog so many times, I trusted that he wouldn't run away and then he would. Apparently 3 year old are more like young labs that one would think.

This is the 3rd unproud moment Anna and I have had in a week. Last friday we met some friends at Cheeky Monkeys and all was well until it was time to leave. I ended up carrying her out in a tee-shirt kicking and screaming. This was the first time I actually used the dreaded mom line "I was so embarrased by your behaviour". I then spent the next hour analyzing my parenting and questioning how I handled the situation and how to better handle it when it happens again. Nothing makes you question your parenting more than a tantrum in front of other people.

I realize now that it isn't so much embarrassment as it is sadness. Sadness because people get the wrong impression of Anna and because I have to do some difficult parenting in front of people who may judge both of us. I know that 3 year olds are unpredictable and still kids, regardless of how well behaved they may be. I also know that parenting is not always sunshine and roses and that most moms may look at these situations with understanding rather than judgement. But it still makes me think Who's child is this? I want everyone to see my wonderful little human. Apparently even the most wonderful humans have their flaws and my daughters appears to be her stubbornness when it comes to getting what she wants. Hmmm, I wonder who she gets that from?

Anna and I:

OMG I am dating again!

Now that I have declared that, I must clarify before the rumour mill starts swirling with stories of my divorce. I am not dating men, I am still happily married. I have come to realize that I am dating moms! Let me Explain.

Last week I had a playdate with a girl that I met last summer. She has a daughter also named Anna and a son the same age as Max. I met her at a playdate thrown by a mutual friend. We became facebook friends not soon after that and have chatted on Facebook ever since. We decided last week to have a playdate with the mutual friend who introduced us and I can honestly say that when we first got together I had that new boyfriend nervous feeling which quickly passed as we engaged in Mom talk. Through this conversation we discovered that I am essentially dating mom's in an attempt to find my momfriend (my play on the word boyfriend)!

A year and a half ago, we moved to a new town which is about 45 minutes from Ottawa. I got pregnant almost immediately and was on Mat leave 9 months after moving here. I have a lot of friends who I love to see. Some are on mat leave themselves or stay at home moms but they live in the city. I make an effort to drive to the city and see them but it becomes an event with 2 kids and it usually means I have to sacrifice naptime as they sleep in the car. Therefore I am doing my best to meet new moms out here in the country. Which brings me to my dating!

My bestest friends from high school and our plethora of kids:

I never really dated boys. I went from one long relationship to my husband. I had a few dates in between but mostly with people who I was already friends with. I am now learning that dating is stressful and time consuming. So in my new dating now, I have traded bars and sporting events for playgrounds, skating rinks, and bookstores. I am on the hunt for someone who I have lots in common with, who has kids the same age as mine, and who doesn't already have their own momfriend. Shouldn't be hard to find right? Wrong! I have met many wonderful moms through Anna's school, At the playground, on my street, At the skating rink, even at Chapters but they either already have their own momfriend, live in the city, have older kids then mine, or we just didn't click on our (play)dates. I even did something I have never done before and gave my contact information to a mom I met at Chapters who is new to the area and lives in a neighbouring town but I am yet to get contacted. It appears I got rejected but I had to take a chance :(

I wonder if I will ever find my momfriend. In the book I am reading right now the mom talks about how she met her best friend while they were on Mat leave and I had my sigh moment as even the character in my book has a momfriend. Now for all reading I want to be sure to state that I enjoy the many friends I have made and will plan many more playdates for the next 5 months before heading back to work. But I think they would all agree, that while we are friends, some closer than others, we are not momfriend and momfriend (boyfriend and girlfriend, haha get it!)

15 lbs too heavy and still happy!

So all my posts have basically been about my kids. This one is ALL ABOUT ME! In my last post, I declared that I would lose 15 lbs! I stand by that and my husband has challenges me. He said that since I wrote it, I needed to do it! So here I go!

In 2005 I successfully completed weight watchers. Its a great program and if you stick to it, it can really work. it took me 3 months or so to lose 20 lbs and I kept it off for several months to become a life member. Unfortunately, I was super extreme and cut out anything with any ounce of badness in it so it was no surprise that I put some weight back on. After having Anna, i successfully did it again so i figure now I should jump on the bandwagon again. With the advice of a good virtual friend, I bought the App IWATCHR for my iphone. It eliminates the need of pen and paper for tracking food and, since I am very familiar with the program already, it eliminates the need to actually join and pay.

Anyways, for the past few weeks, I have really changed my eating habits. I also still go and see my personal trainer once a week which, while not really enough to drop several pounds a week, is enough to help my energy level, strength, and general well being. And let me tell you the effect that treating your body well can have on your mental and physical health.

We are almost through winter and I am yet to get sick! Knock on a million pieces of wood but its true, not even so much as a stuffy nose. My hair is nice and shiny and I feel so energized despite not getting a full nights sleep in almost a year. Despite, having 15 lbs to lose, bags under my eyes, and crazy stretch marks on my stomach, I feel good!

My husband and I were talking about why I haven't gotten sick yet this winter and he asked me if I am stressed and after thinking about it a bit, I said No. You know how they say laughter is the best medicine, well I think kids are the best prevention. Both my kids and my husband have gotten colds and yet I have managed to miss it (although after declaring that I am sure tomorrow I will be down and out). Despite my lack of sleep and the bad mommy days, I don't feel stressed at all. It seems that if I may be getting to my breaking point, Anna says something adorable or Max gives me a cute smile and I am back.

I am not exactly sure where this post is going, but my husband said last night that I needed to make one because he likes reading them. I am going to weigh myself tonight at my personal training session so i will update you next Tuesday after I weigh myself again. My goal is to lose at least 6-9 lbs by the time I go on my trip in February.

The lesson here is eat well, exercise even just a little and avoid stress for a happy healthier you!

I am a good mom!

Raising kids is the hardest thing I have ever done! it is also the most complicated thing I have ever done because everyone does it differently and everyone is sure that they way they are doing it is the right way. It has taken me 3 years to realize this but if kids are happy, safe, and healthy, then they are being raised right, regardless of how.

I have always been hard on myself about my parenting. I would constantly compare my kids development to that of other kids and my parenting to other moms. Anna didn't crawl for 10 months while her friends crawled around 6 or 7 months. I thought for sure it was my fault! I thought I had stalled her development because I didn't play with her enough. Well, I am happy to report that she now crawls and walks, rolls, jumps, runs, counts, sings, colours, says please and thank you and countless other wonderful things that kids her age should do. I am also happy to report that she can play independently by herself and sit through entire movies. Now before you all roll your eyes as me, i am well aware that she has flaws such as was mentioned in my past post and the fact that she takes several trips back to her bed before she goes to sleep. But all in all, I have come to realize that not only did I not break her, I actually made her stronger!

One of my facebook friends posted a link to this article: http://arts.nationalpost.com/2011/01/22/spoiled-vs-spoiled-the-parenting-debate/ and I realized that just because my infants sit in swings and play in exersaucers doesn't mean I am a bad parent and doesn't mean that I am unusual. They will also likely come home to an empty house as teenagers just as I did. The line in this article that really caught my attention was this:

So leaving the tot in another room becomes “unfair.” And once the baby has aged into a walking, talking child, is it any wonder that he’s grown so used to being the bull’s-eye of attention, that any style of parenting other than the kind that permanently hovers...becomes near impossible? The overparenting parent becomes a fait accompli.

My infants played or swung independently while I cooked and baked. My infants sat in carseats when they weren't in the car. My infants slept in cribs from birth. My infants cried as a way to learn to self sooth. And my infants were, and still are, very happy and very independant.

I have also become self conscious about the fact that I keep a house that is unusually clean given that I have 2 children. Much like some people would clean up for company, I have sometimes wanted to clean down so that my house reflects the fun we have in it. I have heard lately several friends make comments about their houses being messy and unkept but their kids being happy and played with. Almost like they feel the need to justify it (which you don't by the way) and they may be surprised to know that as a result they have given me the same feeling for the opposite reason. I have felt like a bad mom for folding laundry while helping Anna with a puzzle, or putting on a movie so i can clean the bathrooms, or teaching Anna that when you are finished you bring your plate to the table if you want dessert. When Anna sees me get out the broom and drops what she is doing so that she can "help mommy" it made me wonder if she thinks the only way she gets to spend time with me is by helping me with chores. It took me some reasoning within myself to realize that she is my daughter, with my genes and maybe she likes to clean. At her daycare they loved her because she was the only one who voluntarily helped clean up (that's my girl). I do something with my kids every day; We usually go on an outing, sometimes we stay home and craft or play with toys but for the record, to all my readers, I do not clean all day!

Anyways, I hope i didn't offend anyone, as that was exactly the point I was trying not to make. That everyone lives and parents different. There is no right or wrong method to parenting as long as kids are happy, healthy and safe.

I am how old?

A few weeks back I had the pleasure of spending an hour getting my hair cut by an old high school friend. While we caught up, she casually mentioned that her new husband was 30 and she was 31. I Crooked my head and looked at her with confusion. She was 31? I thought we were the same age? She looked at me, equally confused, and then reminded me that I was also 31, in fact I was even older than her. (kudos to her for remembering when my birthday was after almost 12 years of not seeing each other). Holy Crap, I thought I was still 30! It seems as though I stopped counting at 30. Am I really old enough to forget my age. This realization opened my eyes about not being 30 anymore but rather in my 30's. I officially need to start aging gracefully.

For the past few months I have been getting a bit down about my appearance. I thought it was because I weigh about 30 lbs more than i did 5 years ago but I think it is because I am older than I was 5 years ago, I have 2 kids, I work harder, sleep less, and I weigh about 30 lbs more.

Me 5 years ago:


I guess I need to stop living in the past and start working with what I have. While I still intend on losing 15 lbs, I need to stop thinking that if I lose the weight all my beauty issues will be resolved because the fact is that even if I lose the weight, I will still have the bags under my eyes, wrinkles in my forehead, stretch marks on my belly, grey hair (that i don't have yet, but its just a matter of time), and dry skin. So I can no longer get away with a lackluster beauty routine. hello moisturizers, toners, face masks, hair dye ~ you will be a part of my life for the next 70 years.

Yes, you counted right, I am going to live past 100...and look good doing it.

All in a days work

Lately I have been feeling guilty about wanting to spend time by myself on the weekends or in the evening. I always feel the need to justify wanting to go to the mall on a Saturday for a few hours or go grocery shopping by myself. My husband has never told me I cannot do something but sometimes I think he wonders why I want or need to and that makes me feel guilty. I feel as though I should want to be around my kids all the time and if staying at home with our kids is my job then is it really fair of me to expect him to do my job when he comes home from his. I have thought about this a lot lately.

I think I found my answers in the fact that I have experienced both being a working parent and a stay at home parent. So dad's, pay attention because I am comfortable with saying that these points likely go for most stay at home moms. I have based my opinions on my experience so as to avoid being accused of making assumptions.

When I went to work, I would do my hair, wear makeup, and dress nice everyday and people saw me. As a stay at home mom, I do shower everyday and sometimes I wear jeans instead of jogging pants and get to the blow dryer before my hair has already dried bad but it seems on days when i put effort into my appearance, either nobody sees me or I get puked on before 9am.

When I went to work, I got breaks and lunch where I could completely separate myself from work. If I needed to, I could run out for a coffee whenever I want. As a stay at home mom, my lunch is eating kid friendly food while feeding a baby with a toddler on my lap. When its over I usually have food all over me. I look forward to afternoon naps but it takes half an hour and a lot of effort to get both kids down and there is no guarantee that it will actually happen or for how long. And when it does happen, I spend that time preparing supper, cleaning things up, and/or folding laundry. Also, If I do activities or run errands, I risk missing nap time.

When i went to work I could easily run errands on my lunch. A quick trip to the store, bank, post office, or all three. As a stay at home mom, I avoid errands unless necessary. There is no longer such a thing as a quick trip. Loading and unloading 2 kids from car seats, stroller, diaper bag, purse. then I get into the institution I am visiting for my quick trip and someone needs to pee, or someone craps their pants, or I have to whip out my boob because someone needs to eat. By the time I am done my quick trip, I have been there almost an hour. And I would really have to be desperate to run multiple errands in one trip. One kid out, Two kids out, One kid in, two kids in, One kid out...you get the picture.

When I went to work I had decent conversations with other adults that made me smarter and kept me in tune with whats going on in the world. As a stay at home mom, the majority of my conversations are with a 3 year old who replies "Huh?" to almost every question I ask her. And when she doesn't reply "Huh?" I kind of wish she did because it would save me the trouble of trying to figure out what she is saying to me. As for whats going on in the world, well, I know what Dora has been up to today, does that count?

When I went to work, I had sick/personal days and vacation days. If I was under the weather or didn't sleep that night, I would send my kids to daycare and stay home to rest. As a stay at home mom, that just doesn't exist. Nursing a bad cold? still have to get up at 6am and parent. Kids kept you up all night? Oh well, still have to parent.

When I went to work, I simply got to leave the house. I got to eat out every once in a while. As a stay at home mom I sometimes don't leave the house and when I do it is usually to visit the same child filled places; playground, library, school. Because he goes to work, My husband is out of the house more than he is in and he eats out often enough that he doesn't want to go out at night or on weekends. This I understand, but man what I would give to eat a professional chef made meal that I didn't prepare and that I don't have to clean up after every once in a while.

When I went to work I left my work at 5pm and lived for Fridays. As a stay at home mom, my work never leaves. This is where I have been confused about expectations of husbands. I know my husband works hard and its not that I want him to come home and take over for me or that I think he should, its just that husbands need to understand the monotony of our jobs. When your at work job stresses you out, you come home. that change is often enough to ease tension. Stay at home moms don't have that change.



Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love having the opportunity to be home with them and watch them grow and learn. I love staying in my PJ's reading books in bed until 9am. I also love having adequate time to prepare good wholesome meals. I love having a clean house and clean laundry and not worrying about doing either task on the weekends. But its tiring. Regardless of how much someone loves their job, a change of pace is always necessary. A change of scenery. A change of company.

In 5 months I go back to work and that is bittersweet. I love both lives. I love having some Independence; some time without a baby on my hip and a toddler pulling on my arm but I also love getting big baby smiles all day and helping someone learn their colours and letters.

So when I say that I need to go to the mall on Saturday sans kids its not because I like being away from them or even that I think being with them is hard work, its simply that I need a change. I need to do something other than puzzles, crafts, and colouring. I need to not forget to take care of me as well as them.

"Mommy Cried for Grandpa Ray"

Almost 4 and a half years ago one of the most important men in my life left me. My dad died while I held his hand and told him that he didn't need to hang on for me anymore.I told him it was ok to go and within minutes I watched him slip away at 1:30am on August 19th 2006. It was the saddest moment of my life. A moment I never thought I would have to live through at 27 years old. Yet it was a moment I would not change for the world and a moment I relive almost daily. My dad had been my hero. He was the kindest, most gentle man. He would do anything for me. On a valentines day when i was nursing a broken heart, He went out and bought me a dozen roses because he said he didn't know how else to make me feel better. I lived with him (just the 2 of us, kind of like roomies)for a couple years before he passed away and its safe to say he was my best friend.

Now I have 2 beautiful children and while my life is full of joy and love and laughter, there is still a hole because they will never know this wonderful man that I can only tell them about. I had the pleasure of seeing him love my dear niece Kayla who was only 2 months old when he died and it gives me a sense of comfort to know how he would have held and loved my kids too. But since he cannot do that I have to do the next best thing for them which is to teach them who he was and how much I love him and how much he loves them from heaven.

Now that Anna is turning 3 and able to understand things a bit more, I have decided to start teaching her about Grandpa Ray. With a picture of my dad and I proudly displayed in our living room, we have the opportunity to visit him frequently. She turned me into a bawling mess when she got up from the table at lunch one day and brought his picture over and said "I have lunch with Grandpa Ray" This was followed by "I hold onto Grandpa Ray" as she hugged the photo. A moment I happily caught on the camera.


This Christmas my children (and me) got the best gift ever from daddy. My husband had told me he got them a special gift but wouldn't tell me what. During our gift opening, I was brought to tears again as I helped Max and Anna open photo books for each of them all about Grandpa Ray. A beautiful book filled with happy memories of my dad and a story to go along with it. At this point in time that book means more to me than it does to them but I am happy they have something so special for when they understand more about who he is. I am grateful for such a thoughtful husband (who even made one for Kayla and mailed it to her) who appreciates how tragic it was for me to lose my dad and wants to help keep his spirit alive for our kids.


So at the age of 3, Anna wants to look at Grandpa Rays book everyday before nap and I, of course, cry. Anna rubs my back and says "Don't cry mommy" and then when daddy comes home she tells him "Mommy cried for Grandpa Ray".

Teaching them about Grandpa Ray may be the hardest thing I do. What I would give for just one more day with him and for them to have the opportunity to learn about him from him.

Whats in a Name?

So when you get pregnant you have nine months to name your child and an unlimited amount of baby name books. Apparently I need the same time and resources for naming my blog. So forgive me for changing it up as I try to find the perfect fit.

Clarity! Kids are Puzzles

What is a 4 letter word for complicated? BABY! Somebody recently said to me in passing that Children were like puzzles and this opened a whole new world of clarity for me. I have spent many days and nights trying to figure out how to "fix" Max. It just dawned on me that he didn't need to be fixed, he needed to just be figured out.

Kids cannot speak for the first year or 2 of their lives. Some parents are lucky enough to have babies who learn baby sign, some parents embark on elimination communication, and some parents try to learn the 5 cries of babies. But regardless of what tools they use, ALL parents are faced with the challenge of trying to figure out the puzzles that are our kids.

Max was definitely a more complicated infant than Anna. He has kept the wheels in my brain spinning. Why isn't he sleeping? Is it gas or a sore tummy? and what caused the gas and sore tummy? Is he teething? Is it his congestion? and how can we fix it? is he hungry? is he eating enough? when should he eat and how much? is he sleeping too much during the day? is he cold? AHHHHHHH. What are the answers!

Lately we have spent many conversations trying to figure out this specific puzzle. At least its a puzzle we can travel with. I mean even when we were snowboarding sans kids, we spent the whole time working on the puzzle. Apparently though it was worth it as on New years Eve of 2010 it appears we MAY have solved this puzzle. Its not the first New Years Eve I have spent doing puzzles (Blush).

We think we found the answer in that he was stuck on his routine of eating at night and not during the day. I say think as I don't want to jinx it and I still go to bed at night with the expectation that it may be a rough night. After all, we all know that when one puzzle is finished a new one is started.

before I know it he will turn 2 and I will be faced with the same puzzle I am working on with Anna right now. What is she saying and why is she crying?

To Cry or Not to Sleep...That is the Question, Part 2.

As many of my facebook friends know, I have been battling Sleep Deprivation for a couple months now. My little man of 7 months has turned into a night owl and I am suffering through it. When I wrote Part one of this post, I was embarking on the controversial "Cry it Out" Method of sleep training. After all, Anna cried one night and that was it, she was fixed! With Max, We practised modified version of Crying it out for 3 days. Modified because I always went to see him and tried to sooth him. I had read that it was meaner to give in and pick them up after they had cried for so long because then they cried for nothing, but after 3 days, I had to pick him up. It broke my heart to hear him cry and it seemed I got more sleep when i went in and nursed him for 10 minutes and then when back to dreamland as opposed to lying in bed wide awake and waiting for him to fall back asleep.

This sleep issue has consumed our conversations much as it has consumed my facebook status. Teething, congestion, hunger, gas, heat...It had to be SOMETHING or, as it appeared to be, all of the above. Oye, How to fix all of the above. We gave Max Camilia, Hydrasense, Tylenol, Gripe water, a pillow, formula. We even called in the HVAC company to adjust the heat so his room was warmer than ours, nothing really changed to situation.

The biggest change I made was my decision to stop breastfeeding during the day (I will still nurse him at night if he gets up). This was about the time when Anna stopped breastfeeding and I always said I wanted to go to 6 months. In an effort to see if Max's issue was a need for more than my breastmilk, I decided to cut him off. After 6 months of being my sidekick (he wouldn't take a bottle ever since my mid-summer crisis when I gave up on him) I wasn't sure how he would react but he surprised me. And now, He is so cute when he sees the bottle and starts smiling and smacking his lips. However this did not fix the issue of him wanting to nurse every hour through the night until something clicked in my sleep deprived head.

Since Max was born I have been trying to remember things about Anna's infancy. When did she nap properly, When did she start a bedtime routine, when did she start a proper feeding routine. My suggestion to all new moms is MAKE NOTE! These things you will want to know for baby number 2. Since Max started solids, I have been lost about feeding routines as he never seemed hungry.

Well DUHHH, he is never hungry because he eats ALL NIGHT! It seemed my little night owl had mixed up his day and nights when it came to eating. So new year, new routine! last night he was cut off. no nursing until after 5 am. He got up at 10pm, was given a soother and went back to sleep. then he got up at 1am, whined for about 20 minutes and went back to sleep. Then at 6am he got some warm, fresh from the taps, breastmilk and actually ate an appropriate amount of food and formula throughout the day!

Here's hoping that 2011 brings us all more sleep.