I want to start by bowing down to moms of three or more kids. I am sure at least one of those kids challenged you and I commend you for having the strength to do it.
I have flip flopped on this subject a lot over the past 10 months as Max has been one heck of a challenge but last night was the first time I decided that I was done and believed it. It wasn`t because Max was having another meltdown, it was because I wasn`t able to handle it without losing my mind and sharing a few unchoice words with a small baby who is clearly in distress. When Max finally settled in my arms (seriously, I did not deserve any baby snuggles) I lied awake for hours making a pros and cons list which ultimately led to this decision (I will share the list at the end).
Why do I want three kids was the first question I asked myself. I never wanted three kids. I grew up in a house of 2 and I always said i wanted 2. If you consult my grade 8 yearbook it says I would have 2 kids by the year 2000 or something silly but still it said 2 kids. this all changed when I met my wonderful husband. He comes from a family of 4 kids. He is the only boy and the youngest and they are all very close, despite the physical distance between them. 2 of his sisters have 3 kids and the other has 2. they have an `honorary` sister who also has 3 kids which makes family gatherings chaotic and fun, even if one or two siblings may be missing. On the flip side, my one brother has one child and we don`t really see each other often. I love him of course but sometimes I feel like an only child which is lonely in comparison to my husbands family. When we do get together, family gatherings are small and quiet. I realized last night that I saw happiness in numbers. the more kids, the more fun, the more happiness.
But as much as you can`t buy happiness you also can`t procreate it. Why can`t our family of four be complete. I have very fond memories of my childhood with just one sibling; we fit in a tent trailer perfect, we fit in a 2 bed hotel room perfect and no one had to sleep on the floor, we played 2 on 2 basketball and no one was left out, we drove to school together and no one had to sit in the backseat,(I am sure I could think of more if I was getting more sleep). I had a wonderful relationship with my brother and I believe that Anna and Max will have an equally wonderful relationship. Our job as parents now is to ensure that our wonderful family dynamic carries into their adulthood and then we can have what I thought we needed more kids to have.
I also wanted more kids so that I could experience pregnancy and childbirth again. for the past 10 months that was a big reason why I hung on to wanting three or maybe even four kids even through the ridiculously long sleepless nights. I would see my facebook friends announce pregnancies and new babies and I would get a tinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. I would watch a baby story and the birth part of teen mom and cry because it was so beautiful. I will probably still get such feelings but I just have to remind myself of why it is better to give someone else that honor of experiencing such a joyful event.
So there are my pros for having more kids; another year off, childbirth again and a big happy family.
The cons that I came up with are; More Expensive (daycare, sports, programs, vacations, clothes), more sleepless nights which lead to mean mommy to all kids in my presence, need a new car, short a bedroom, more sleepless nights, strain on my marriage, and did I say more Sleepless nights.
A year and half ago we gave away our beloved dog because we were not good doggy parents anymore. I wanted to keep him but I felt like that would have been a selfish decision. He got yelled at a lot because we didn`t have the time to give him the attention he needed so He was always in the way. Last night I caught myself comparing this decision to that one. I want another child to full fill my personal needs which is selfish but in the end I would rather be a great mom to 2 kids then an Ok, sometimes crappy mom to three or more.
So the door to more kids is officially closed...and locked. My husband says we still have the key tucked away for a rainy day considering he won`t let anyone near his unit with a knife or laser or anything. But I think I should make a video of Max and Me at night in case we entertain the subject again.
